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You know you`re a bad driver when Siri says, " In 400 feet, stop and let me out".
I don`t always agree with everything I say. :)
Take your age. Subtract 3. Then add 3. That is your age.
I`ve been told that I never take responsibility for anything, and it`s all your fault.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
I don`t have mistletoe this year, so we`ll just have to kiss under the influence.
Let me drink about it and get back to you.
I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. “My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl.”
Why do cops get mad when other cops have jurisdiction over a case? I`d be like cool I`m going home to eat.
I put the b!tch in the kitchen.~ last thing I remember saying before I woke up in the hospital.
An empty fridge is a sad fridge.
Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
My friend bought some new floral underwear today. I asked her why she bought `floral` underwear to which she replied "its in memory of all the faces that have been buried there".
I think that some of the people I see in Wal Mart shouldn`t be allowed to leave Wal Mart.