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I got drunk last night and watched the most hilarious television show for hours until I sobered up and realized it was just a mirror.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media... make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
“Have you tried just drinking ALOT of vodka?”- me as a therapist
Survival rule #1: You go first.
Helpful Tip : The police never think it`s as funny as you do.
"You have the right to remain silent so as not to incriminate yourself." ~5th Amendment, understood by nobody on Facebook.
I`m really easy to get along with, once people learn to worship me.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I`d say I`m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Fellas.....the girl on the flyer is never at the club
FUN FACT: I can fit 17 Pringles in my mouth. SAD FACT: I tried to figure out how many Pringles I could fit in my mouth.
That awkward moment when Adele finds someone like me
I just bought all six seasons of Hoarders on DVD
Magic words that make my children disappear: 1) Bath time. 2) Who did this?!?! 3) When I was your age...
No Grandma, "sausage fest" is not a new special breakfast at IHOP
I asked my wife if we could get a hot young nanny. Of course she got mad and said "No!". For one thing, we don`t have any kids...