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I`m going to test my theory that tequila kills the flu... Or brain cells... Whatever, doesn`t matter... something`s gonna die tonight.
GF: "You`re cute when you`re drunk" Me: "You`re cute when I`m drunk too"
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
If someone says “you’re funny” instead of laughing, you’re not.
Actually officer, I`d prefer to think that vodka smells like me.
Roses are red, violets are blue, the boss snuck out early, so I left too.
Stop, drop, and roll isn`t just an effective fire safety tip, but it is also an interesting way to get out of a boring conversation.
We can put laser-equipped robots on Mars, but wrinkled dollar bills still don’t work in vending machines?
I`m so good, I scream my own name out during sex.
"Iowa man arrested after fight over peanut butter and jelly sandwiches" - I`m just gonna assume this is 1 of you guys
Sometimes my brain is like the bermuda triangle...Information goes in then it`s never found again..
Being alive is so expensive.
Fast food places should have a third window, where you can trade in the wrong stuff they gave you at the second window.
Why has no one invented a button next to snooze which emails your boss to say you`re gonna be late?
I secretly like days when none of my Facebook friends have birthdays.