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Bologna sandwiches are parents way of saying... it`s my legal obligation to feed you something.
Steve Jobs is now working with God to make iWife... Beauty with brains and Mute button
My wife’s new cooking show will be called, "Do you smell Something Burning?"
My new years resolution was to lose 30 pounds by the end of summer. I`ve only got 40 pounds to go.
People are always much more interesting before you get to know them.
"Do not touch" must be one of the scariest things to read in braille
Guys you should never overreact when you hear the words, " The babysitter is late."
"We`d be rich if you just said one f*cking word" - me, drunk, talking to my dog
i got a dig bick..........how many read that wrong
Hey NSA... I accidentally deleted an email... Can I get you to forward me your copy?
In my defense Your Honor, I thought she had been stung by a jellyfish.
I suppose cougar is a better term than old whore.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I`d be back to my birth weight.
I already know that I`m going to hell ... At this point it`s really go big or go home.
*Baby on board* Oh really? Thanks for letting me know, I was about to ram into your car, but now I won’t.