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I`m getting a mistletoe tramp stamp.
I`m actually a really good driver, when Facebook is down.
Ahhh another Monday at work...... I`m having as much fun as a colorblind person playing Twister!
They should create an app that makes your cellphone go “ahhhhhhhh” when you plug it in.
Relationships are like batteries, they have a positive & a negative side. And you end up whacking your remote instead of changing them.
Make sure your goals are unattainable so you`ll feel a little better about giving up later
New Years - the only day where its socially acceptable to drink this early.
Facebook needs a "settle down" button.. You tap on a friend`s profile, that locks them out for a day so they can work through stuff privately..
I wish I had the confidence of a male flight attendant
Say what you want about Captain Hook, but he ran that entire pirating operation singlehandedly.
I wish I could afford to have a drinking problem.
Ladies and Gentleman, I`ve traveled a long way, crossed many bridges, fought my way through countless obstacles, all to bring you this one sad truth about life. There`s never enough beer.
I fell asleep with infomercials playing on the TV.... I woke up with a strange desire to do P90X with a Shake Weight while in my Snuggie
You can usually judge a women`s hotness by how many times your girlfriend calls her a whore.
What if Spider Man has to stop a crime in the countryside