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The worst time to need to sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
I shouldn`t play with Legos!? It says "Ages 7 & Up". 30 is higher than 7. Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
When people ask me if I`m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they`re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
If you give me a phone number or directions while I`m on the phone with you, just know that I`m using my very best finger pen and air paper.
I am not looking for a one night stand, 2 hours will be plenty enough.
"Mail your packages early so the Post Office can lose them in time for Christmas."
Feeling stressed out? Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever`s bugging you.
Instead of “single” as a relationship option, it should read “independently owned and operated”
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
All fortune cookies should just read, "You will have diarrhea for the next 24 hours.
I am Looking for a Bank which can offer me these Two Services..... .Give me a Loan & then Leave me aLone. :)
Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I’ll ever get to yoga.
Meaningless statistics are up 17% today
As long as I remind myself "The b!tch had it coming" is not a valid court defense, I`ll be ok
Oops, I must have put my personalities on "shuffle"