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My mom at night: Good night, sweet dreams I love you. My mom in the morning: Wake the f*ck up you lazy piece of sh!t.
Those friends who like and at the same time unlike my statuses please you`re increasing my blood pressure!
My fantasy is having two men at once. One cooking. One cleaning.
When I arrive at work, how long can I spend screaming in my car before it becomes weird?
Roses are red! violets are buckets. This poem makes no sense. Snot.
Mothers never really understand the irony of calling their children "come here you son of a bitch"
Only at McDonald`s do they say, "Sorry about your wait" and actually mean "weight" :P
Men would be way more excited about cleaning if spray bottles made a laser noise.
My 13yo just dumped his girlfriend and now he`s attempting to get his hoodie back. He`s in for one hell of a life lesson.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Why non-smokers don`t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
They should just go ahead and put a volume setting on my TV that says "Eating Doritos".
Apparently it`s ok to leash your dog to a bike rack, but it`s illegal to leash your kid to one. Parenting is hard...
I believe in equality. If we have a 5 day week of work, we should have 5 day weekends as well dammit.
Just seen a homeless dude with a sign that said "too ugly to prostitute."