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Ever had sex while camping!? It`s intents!
Stall Cleaning service, Satisfaction guaranteed or 100% or you manure back!
Highway to Hell is a great song because you can play it at both your wedding and your funeral.
If someone doesn’t stand up to let you pass them in movie theater seats, it’s totally cool and legal to fart in their face as you walk by.
I mean really though...Why wash cups when you can just drink out of the jug?
That awkward moment when you buy a pack of condoms and your wife ask. what you gonna do with those?
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
If I’ve learned anything from Game of Thrones it’s that I need a wolf.
Wind chimes? I can`t see myself saying, its too quiet, you know what`d be nice? Noise.
I could write an entire book on excuses,,, but I have to pick my grandma up at the airport.
I am taking a shot for every “like” I get on this status. Then again, I’m taking shots whether you bastards like it or not.
If I had a dollar for every time someone has told me to "grow up," I could probably afford a whole arsenal of Super Soakers.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it`s not in my way.
Spent 40 minutes on the treadmill this morning. Next time I might turn it on.
"kill it before it lays eggs" - is my standard suggestion to any problem