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Dear college students, Sorry about your GPA. - Netflix
I suspect my gravestone will have a pretty serious urine discoloration not long after I`m gone.
Wow, I thought “flash mob” meant something completely different. Can someone come bail me out?
My resume is basically just a list of things I hate to do.
That moment when you wake up at 2 o`clock a.m and remember how crappy that after earth movie was and you go back to sleep immediately
Look in the mirror and tell me that God does not have a sense of humor.
Do you realize that Scrooge was essentially water-boarded into changing his outlook on Christmas?
Donald Trump`s hair saw its shadow. We have six more weeks of protesting.
I’m Not Arguing. I’m Simply Explaining Why I’m Right.
You ever wonder why wearing no underwear is called “going commando”? It seems to me it wouldn’t be useful in a combat situation.
I can`t unfriend you because I really enjoy watching the disaster that is your life.
People like you are the reason people like me take pills.
Pay phones should be replaced with chargers for cell phones.
Never go on a blind date with a friend! She was so big when i took her home she went to my backyard and started grazing.
If someone toilet papered my house that would be great because I`m out of toilet paper.