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The majority of life`s greatest lessons are learned while observing your drunk friends.
Life is too short to be angry and hold grudges. Just slap them in the face and move on!
I hate the snow so much, I want to build a snowman just so I can punch it in its face.
MAN LAW 101: No man should ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.
The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
I don’t repeat gossip, so listen carefully
I went to McDonalds, put 5 dollars on the counter and said "Surprise me". Because I never get what I ask for anyway!
Found out today you cannot join a gym "just to watch".
Today I saw a sign for a suicide helpline on the back of a bus. Wouldn`t it be a lot more helpful if it was on the front?
I can tell by your boobs that you`ve never seen a bar tab.
It’s not a nap unless your face wakes up in a puddle of your own drool.
roses are red,violets are blue,god made me beautiful, what happen to you..
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says "I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there"
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
Me: I only smoke weed because of Cancer. Mom: You don`t have Cancer! Me: So it`s working...