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If the planet is 4 billion plus yrs old. Is 2017 really the correct new year.
What this country needs is more unemployed politicians...
I have this great midnight snack it`s called, what do I think my roommate won`t notice if I eat the edges off of
Our #1 problem in this country is that nobody wants to take responsibility for anything ...but please don`t quote me!
I always hate when I miss out on wear your pajamas to Wal-Mart night.
Ok honey don’t freak out, but someone broke into the house, ate all the ice cream, smashed that picture of your mother, and didn’t do the dishes.
I’m at the doctor’s office & they don’t know why I have this rash on my balls. Guess I’ll wait for the Dr, these other patients are clueless.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Apparently a new study shows that unattractive men make better mates. Nice try, ugly scientists.
I didn`t give you the finger...you earned it.
Nothing screams "I don`t care about being on time for work" like hopping on Facebook first thing in the morning.
A "Lifetime Movie" describes how long it felt when you were watching it.
Your girl always on her knees. What she forgot she had feet?
Remember ... I can always make it look like an accident.
My dog takes so long to sh!t I can`t believe he`s not out there playing Candy Crush.