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My doctor told me to stop drinking...Then he told me to stop laughing.
Lazy fact #128540162, You were too lazy to read that number.
My daughter wants to know when the hamster we "planted" in the garden will start growing.
My New Year`s Resolution is to stop making late decisions.
I just read that burglars use Facebook to see when people aren’t home. So from now on, I’m at home. With a rifle. And a hungry crocodile.
All I’ve ever wanted from life was to be a disturbance in the force.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
m for Monday t for Tuesday wtf Wednesday Thursday Friday get it wtf
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
I haven`t talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn`t want to interrupt her.
Morning comes in 3 sizes: 1) Early. 2) Too early. 3) Way too early
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means
"It`s not about who`s right or wrong."~ The person that is wrong
I`ll be busy tonight taking my girlfriend out to dinner and then having sex all night. Is what I`d be saying if I had money ... or a girlfriend
Ever noticed that `beer can` in a british accent sounds exactly like `bacon` in a jamaican accent?