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PLEASE - put this on your status if you know someone (or are related to someone) who has been eaten by dragons. Dragons are nearly unstoppable and, in case you didn`t know, they can also breathe fire. 93% of people won`t copy and paste this, because they have already been eaten by dragons. 6% of people are sitting in the shower armed with fire extinguishers and the remaining 1% are awesome and will re-post.
How about putting that screaming kid on vibrate
The length of a minute depends on which side of the bathroom door you´re on.
You have your whole life to be an a$$hole...are you trying to use it all up in one day?
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
If you want people to know where you stand, wear the same socks for a week
I read an article the other day that said if you drink every day you are an alcoholic. Thank God I only drink every night.
"Lets hang out sometime" -liars.
Just bought an exercise bike today because my treadmill works fine for laying my pants on, but it won`t accommodate hanging shirts on hangers.
Condoms prevent minivans.
Relationships are like just-out-of-the-oven pizza. You know it`s going to burn you, but it looks so good and maybe this time it won`t?
“My phone’s about to die.” is what I say 30 seconds into every phone call. Just in case!
Would you like a push on that mood swing of yours?
I`d rather be someone`s shot of whiskey than everyone`s cup of tea.
If I die, bury me with fire extinguishers. Because: Hell