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Thanks to whoever made electrical outlets look like tiny screaming faces trapped inside my walls I can`t make eye contact.
Boobs, because you can`t motorboat a personality.
May the bridges I burn light the path in front of me...
Hey, how long are you supposed to chase someone after they steal your wallet? Cause I`m getting tired of running and he`s catching up to me.
When people tell me that I’ve changed, I want to shake them and tell them: “And so should you!”
I`m always amazed that when tragedy strikes how quickly people on Facebook become experts on the subject no matter what it is.
I bet my road rage will be taken seriously once I get a car.
Some people are too chipper early in the morning. They don`t realize how bad it is for their health.....until I`m choking them
It’s people that give drinking a bad name.
I just spent a lot of time trying to form a thought when it would`ve been easier to just say, "F*ck it."
I wonder if I´ll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without first pointing it at myself and saying "THERES ONE." -same guy, you`re british.
That moment when you spell a word so wrong that even auto correct is like....`I`ve got nothing man.`
when people fall in love they are called " love birds." when they fight they are called "angry birds."
Wife really liked the "sex anytime, anywhere" coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified "with me"
The sad part about seeing any shopper at Walmart with a blue tooth, is that normally it is that shopper`s only tooth.