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You can never read a doctor`s prescription, but you can sure read his bill
Why is it called "Alien vs Predator"? Isn`t predator an alien too? They should`ve just called it "Some Aliens"
I had a really funny joke, but autocorrect ruined the lunchtime.
Stop asking why I’m still single. I don’t ask how you’re still married.
Double-Stuffed Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.
I`m awkward when people compliment me. "Nice hair" "Thanks, I grew it myself"
Going to write hasbro a nasty letter!!! The monopoly get out of jail free card doesn`t work...since I`m texting you can you come bail me out?
If the Dollar Store ever starts selling alcohol....drinks are on me.
The phrase "use of the jerk-off motion is prohibited" has been added to our HR manual because of me. It`s like winning an award.
Behind every good selfie is approximately 47 nearly identical pictures that didn`t make the cut.
UFC is 10% fighting, and 90% advertising the next fight
Kids today will never appreciate how difficult it used to be finding pictures of naked people.
Me: You`re the prettiest girl I`ve ever seen. Her: You just want to have sex with me. Me: And you`re smart too, I like that.
The odds of winning the lottery are 1 in 10 million. The odds of being the fastest sperm are 1 in 300 million. You`d think that with those odds, you`d win the lottery 30 times in your life.
When there is nothing to do ... That`s what I do