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And then her mood ring just...exploded
You call it being sober. I call it on my way to the liquor store.
I`ll act my age when I`m 69..
I believe in magic because it`s the only way to explain how fitted sheets get folded.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension. The fact that I am dragging a body should be entirely irrelevant.
Let`s go to my place and do the things I`ll tell everyone we did anyway.
“Single and ready to mingle” is the fancy way of saying “Alone and desperate”
You actually have friends? Yeah bro, all 10 seasons on DVD.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Honk if you wanna see the finger
80% of my life is pulling percentages out of thin air and stating them as facts...
Several decisions I make on a daily basis hinge upon the question "illegal or just frowned upon?"
Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think "look at all these poor people who don`t know Netflix exists."
If you think your girlfriend has a great sense if humor, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes.
Today’s forecast.. mostly cloudy with a 99.9% chance of alcohol