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Next time you take your dog for a walk pretend he`s solving a mystery.
I wonder if any Disney managers ever start a meeting off with "What kind of Mickey Mouse operation are we running around here?"
When I`m bored I like to call in sick to places I don`t work for. I`m getting written up at Home Depot
There`s a sense of great satisfaction when I`m the tie breaker between `Funny` and `Not Funny` status updates.
My parents told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!” so I turned on the subtitles.
Today`s interpretive dance was brought to you by "Spider On My Shirt". Up next we have "Oh jeeze, where did it go?!"
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
I`m afraid if I start working out, I`ll be too sexy
I could snap at any moment. Seriously, with either hand.
Somewhere the inventor of yoga pants is near death from all the high fives and non-stop free tequila shots he gets.
People who over-exaggerate make me so mad that I just want to light everyone on fire.
Folgers got it wrong. The best part of waking up is going back to bed after you pee.
Wow, it`s beautiful outside. I should probably do something. Like close the blinds so there isn`t a glare on my screen.
One night, as I as lying in bed, I looked up at the stars and thought to myself: "What the f#ck happened to the roof?"
We welcome the Christmas season at my house by putting out more towels that I am not allowed to touch