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Stress balls really work when you shove them down someone`s throat.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. At least for the pictures...
I will never understand why my fridge has a drawing of a carrot on the beer drawer.
May you live to be so old that your driving terrifies people.
For the record when I was a kid I never wanted to be an adult.
I want to be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Creating a password in this day and age After the 9th try OKNowI`mReallyMad50BoiledCabbagesUpYourArseIfYouDon`tGiveMeAccessImmediately! `Sorry, that password is already in use`
Pregreening - creeping forward while waiting for a red light to change.
Sometime you have to hand it to short people ... because they can`t reach.
You would think with all the ice water laying all over the world, it would be a lot cooler...
If I’m going to sweep all of my problems under the rug, then I’m going to need a bigger rug.
I’ve spent way too much of my life wondering why food doesn’t rhyme with good.
That moment when being uncool, is cool
"kill it before it lays eggs" - is my standard suggestion to any problem