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I just can`t seem to get a girlfriend even though I can speak two languages fluently. English and Klingon.
But in my most troublesome times, I looked down and saw only one set of footprints. I asked the Lord why, and He replied that sand people ride single file to hide their numbers.
I don`t care if you`re here to murder me - we take our shoes off in this house.
I had a Dr. appointment this morning. He asked me how many beers I drink. I held out my hand and said this one is only my 4th, I`ll call you back later with the total.
I never forget a breast, I mean face. I never forget a face.
I hate when I’m comfortable in bed and I forget my iPhone in the other room!
you know you`ve been facebooking too much when you accidentally say "LOL", in person...
Facebook`s list of "suggested friends" is quite literally a list of people I`ve been avoiding my entire life.
I got a job at Bath and Body Works just so I can tell people to smell my finger...
Couldn`t stay awake sitting on the couch, so I laid down in bed to make sure I wouldn`t fall asleep
Buy all your socks in one color - problem of the missing sock solved!
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it`s not in my way.
Follow your dreams. Unless it’s a person ... apparently they call that stalking.
Just saw a coyote next to the highway... I hope this tunnel ahead isn`t just painted on.
"Because it would be hilarious,"... is probably not a good reason to elect someone to be president.