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"Check, please!" - Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I think I just discovered Newton’s third law of Emotion: ..... "For every male action, there is an equal and opposite female overreaction."
If you want a successful relationship, find someone who likes the same thermostat setting that you do.
I`m as bored as a guy with no arms looking at porn.
I`m undecided about which pants to wear today...Smarty of Fancy?
Once you have to start paying a babysitter every time you go out, you realize most friendships aren`t worth it.
The decline of civilization started when they stopped putting toys in boxes of cereal.
Overheard at grocery: Paper or plastic, sir? Doesn’t matter. Im bisacksual.
Do you think regular dogs see police dogs and think, “Oh crap! It’s the cops!”?
I finally did it. I gave my cat a bath today. It really wasn`t that bad. She enjoyed it. I enjoyed it. Other than the fur sticking to the roof of my mouth, it went well.
I need a six month vacation Twice a year.
It takes so much self control for me not to write, "you sure about that?" under Facebook engagement announcements.
Finding out your ex got fat is like finding 20 bucks in your pocket. Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.
Kid`s Choice Awards are a great reminder why children aren`t allowed to vote.