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Please say a prayer for my coworker. His life is so boring that he just Instagrammed his Jimmy Johns sandwich
I got in an elevator with a lady with big breasts. She said could you press one for me please. I did and that was the last thing I remember
Our #1 problem in this country is that nobody wants to take responsibility for anything ...but please don`t quote me!
I’m at Code 5 today. I don’t know. It’s something this lady in the coffee shop said and I liked it. So now I’m using it, too.
I like it like that
My poor neighbour suffered a stroke today...I must remember to close the blinds before getting naked.
You’re the shampoo in the eyes of my life.
Time is precious. Waste it wisely.
I make a great second impression.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
I don`t care if its a scam! Just the fact that the Prince of Nigeria sends me personal email makes me feel special!
Dear life, When I said "can my day get any worse?" it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.
Then there was the ex-cop who started his own landscaping business. He called it Lawn Order.
My Tupperware lids and single socks are chilling somewhere laughing at me.
How many Weight Watcher points are in an entire bottle of wine?