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I have a pretty big ass, so when I half ass something you`re still getting something impressive.
I`m feeling about as useful as a stoplight in Grand Theft Auto.
Girls probably spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking.
I wonder how many people`s phones out there have my name saved in contacts as "DO NOT ANSWER"
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words "wet and slippery" at work all day without anyone thinking I`m a big perv.
If you don’t like something change it... if you can’t change it....post it on facebook, so we can "like it" and laugh..
A procrastinator`s work is never done...
"I don`t trust you to not buy drugs" -people who give gift cards
A fun part of your 40s is waking up thinking you`re hungover, and then remembering, nope, this is just how my body feels now.
I am there for you no matter what, anytime, day or night, unless there is something good on TV or I am eating pie
Just because I don’t like you doesn’t mean I don’t want you to like me.- Most Girls
It`s such a beautiful day I had to open the window while I watched TV
If you mix vodka, orange juice and milk of magnesia... Do you get a Phillips screwdriver?
When I`m cleaning my room, 1% cleaning 29% moaning 70% playing with stuff I just found.
I may not be the only egomaniac around here, but I’m the only one that matters.