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It was love at first sight...I should have looked twice.
Never buy the first round cause that`s when people care what they`re drinking!
The phrase "don`t take this the wrong way" has zero % success rate
I`ll do a lot of things for money, but I draw the line at working...
Keep talking; someday you’ll say something intelligent.
Life gets expensive when you trust a cute woman.
My secret fantasy is to have two women at the same time, one cooking and one cleaning.
Helpful Tip: Dont laugh when the cop says penal system ... oh and I need bail money again.
I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you.
For some people, a new year means a new chance to f*ck it up all over again.
People who say "I hate to bother you" need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or complain. But it was a long time ago, and it was just for that one day.
If everyone would just be naughty next year, Santa would bring us all coal ... energy crisis solved!
If life is a Bitch, then why hasn´t it made me a Sandwich
"This is so wrong," I say excitedly, my heart racing, my hands trembling.. as I butter a doughnut