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I put on my pants like everyone else. Right after the security guard in Target says "Sir, we`re going to have to ask you to leave."
Apparently "I`ll break your god damn legs" isn`t the problem solving skills that employers are looking for, at least according to HR anyway.
Life should be more like hockey. When someone pisses you off, you just beat the sh!t out of them then sit in a penalty box for 5 minutes.
I try not to be rude, but some people make it hard work.
Haters gonna hate, your honor
I got drunk last night and my house wasn`t where I left it.
This generation is guilty of making the wrong people rich and famous.
I’m always frank with my sexual partners. Don’t want them knowing my real name.
I`ll be a morning person when it`s Christmas.
I don’t need a reason to do stupid things, just a venue.
You know what is cheaper than therapy? ... Admitting you`re batshit crazy and running with it.
I wish people`s voices actually sounded the way they do when their spouse or partner imitates them during an argument.
I went to the store to buy some comdoms and the cashier asked me If I needed a bag ? "I replied No she`s not that ugly"
Mosquito`s and parking inspectors must be from the same family...
For once I would like to see a horoscope that says, "You`re totally f*cked this month"