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Everybody stop what you`re doing and play with crayons!! Enjoy the day
I think its nice my vacuum cleaner has head lights. Just in case I wanna wake up in the middle of the night and clean in the dark, or wake up my dog making him think he’s getting hit by a
My home security system is a series of paintings with the eyes cut out.
You`d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car ... But I won`t
Dear facebook, please quit asking me what`s on my mind. Eventually I`m going to get in trouble if I keep telling you.
Remember, condoms prevent minivans.
If I could get a firm grip on reality...I`d probably choke it.
That awkward moment when you`re telling the truth, but start laughing like crazy and everyone thinks you`re lying.
You know what makes sex awesome? Actually having it.
If you don`t have anything nice to say, put it all on social networks
One of the things I like to say to a girl after we have sex for the first time is "Hmm, damn weird... I heard you were better."
When you turn 21, you can legally do all the things you`ve been doing since you were 15.
After a year in therapy my psychiatrist said to me " maybe life isn`t for everyone"
If it wasn`t for claustrophobia, lack of intelligence, and my intense fear of floating poop, I would`ve made a great astronaut.
Tell a therapist, Not Facebook.