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I wish you could order Karma like flowers and have it delivered.
I know this will probably piss off a bunch of people I know, but what makes someone good at fishing?!? Seriously, all you did was wait longer.
Did you know that if you put a finger in your ear and scratch, it sounds like Pacman.
On the bright side, all that coal will keep me warm this winter.
Do you ever watch a movie and realize you have to watch it again because you were on your phone the whole time?
Just took an inventory of my body and it appears to be overstocked in all the wrong places.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It`s like they don`t know I plan on cropping them out later.
I hate it when people rub things in my face... unless it`s two boobs.
When I text someone and they dont text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from overexcitement.
Does this 50 pound bag of cat food make me look single?
Dear Fork, I understand that we haven`t spoken since I ran away with dish, but I thought you should know that you have a son. His name is Spork. He has your hair. Sincerely, Spoon
Not that I expect 100% truth in advertising, but shouldn’t those women in the tampon commercials be wielding chainsaws and burning stuff down, not laughing and dancing?
If my cats have taught me anything, its how to ignore people.
I`m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose "baby weight" is to have the baby.
This healthy diet thing is dangerous. I just cut myself peeling an apple. This would have never happened to me with a twinkie.