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Fighting is bad. Breaking up a fight between a douchebag and the bar owner is good. Thank God I`m a ninja.
Politicians and diapers should be changed regularly and for the same reason...
MAN LAW 101: No man should ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.
I`m trying to cut back on posting pics to Instagram, so I`m not going to eat anymore.
You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
Waiting for the day when a girl finally says that I’m “the one,” but isn’t talking to a police officer.
I’m a lonely Status. I wish more people liked me.
I`ve been working on losing weight, I was doing Jenny Craig for awhile........till her husband found out (<>..<>)
Somewhere out there is a guy named Joe whose greatest achievement is that he was a really sloppy eater.
Girl scout cookies suck! I ate like 20 boxes of thin mints and I`m not any thinner.
I burned my mouth on my pizza and I feel this is a strong metaphor showing me that the ones we love can hurt us the most.
Whoever snuck the s in "fast food" was a clever little bastard.
I`m not sarcastic…I`m just intellegent beyond your understanding.
A penny for your thoughts, Five bucks if they’re naughty.
I wish karma would send me email notifications.