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Got in touch with my inner self this morning. That`s the LAST time I buy single ply toilet paper.
Don`t let the door hit you on the way out ... Hell, who am I kidding, I hope it hits you and knocks you down the f*cking stairs.
Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets?
99% sure my soulmate is a piece of pizza.
if your happy and you know it ---thank your ex
I enjoy long romantic walks to the fridge.
If you are really bored, I recommend mass texting all of your exes "I`m ready to give it another shot" and then get ready for the ride of your life
Relationships are like yard sales. They look good from a distance, but once you get there it`s just a bunch of sh!t you don`t really need.
I relate to Game of Thrones because much like my own life, I have no idea what`s going on and there`s a lot of wine drinking.
Jack daniel was found dead by johnie walker at castle strt under savanna tree,captain morgan believed dat he was killed by strongbow.his 4cuzns said that he was best in j&b club at knights...
When your boss says "You need help", he never means a hitman.
I am going to open "The Karma Cafe" There will be no menus though. You will get what you deserve!
Sometimes I can`t figure out if I`m in pre-school... high school.. oh wait, I`m at work.
I can either be on time or wearing pants. Pick one.
If you think buying condoms is awkward, you should try returning them.