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If my computer desktop were an actual place, they would bring in blindfolded people to make a Febreeze commercial.
What kind of paperwork do I need to fill out to get a permit to set my children free in the wild?
Fun Fact: if you took the skin of an average person and laid it out flat,you would have enough for a serious criminal conviction :)
If by crunches you mean Captain Crunch cereal, then yes I do crunches.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes, because I would have an 8 pack.
I’m giving co-workers the silent treatment by sending them blank emails.
White girls be like: I`ll have one triple mocha dark chocolate ugg boot raspberry white iphone 5 double caramel infinity sign frappe please.
Halloween is my favorite holiday where you can trespass on a stranger`s property and make a non-negotiable demand.
I still dunno why they say cats have 9 lives. My cat only eats & sleeps all day long. It has no life at all!
Sorry I said "What is it?" when you showed me your baby.
that awkward moment when a bug or fly lands on your computer screen in your first reaction is to scare it away with the cursor.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.
I got up this morning and think I saw my shadow. I´m going back to bed for six weeks.
Happy Birthday to all those ladies that their men forgot about because it falls on Super Bowl Sunday this year.
I got kicked out of a fancy dress party on the weekend, because I was wearing nothing but a red shirt. Not my fault nobody has heard of Winnie the Pooh!!