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I wonder if "Sober Me" knows that "Drunk Me" can Breakdance?
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
Imagine how fun Pringles would be if the cans were spring-loaded.
You had me at, "we`ll make it look like an accident."
Here`s a list of helpful tips for meeting a great girl: 1. Don`t be me.
Nothing screams DUI like wearing a really nice suit on a city bus.
I’m great at remembering names. I just don’t remember which one’s yours.
If you think your wife has a sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose pedals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
As I slowly ran my finger down her G string I thought to myself, this is a nice guitar.
The most frightening thing about nightmares is realizing that they were created by your mind.
It`s amazing the things I can remember when I don`t need to remember anything.
If sex between 3 people is called a Threesome and sex between 2 people is called a Twosome... Why is Handsome still a compliment?
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Facebook Proves: That if Family had the Option... they`d Delete ya.