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SINGLE GUYS: Nervous about flirting with a woman? Just remember: they`re smart, confident, and aware they don`t need us, so yeah, you should be worried.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Things I use duct tape for, by percentage: Pranks: 35% Car repair: 35% Wrapping presents: 20% Medical emergencies: 10% Ducts: 0%
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they`re in the middle of a race.
My resolution for the New Year is to find more situations where it`s acceptable to wear a bathrobe out in public
"Try to score a goal. Don`t use your hands. See you afterwards." - Soccer coaches
Today please just pretend I wrote something hilarious, click like, and move on down the news feed.
Come on snooze button, is 9 minutes all you have to offer...I need something in the 2-3 hour range.
I had to go on two diets because one wasn`t giving me enough food.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn`t 3 hours long.
There`s no room in my life for B.S. ... Unless it`s burritos oand salsa
Think we could get the North Korean hackers to end "Keeping Up With The Kardashians"?
Sometimes my sarcasm is so intense that even Iām not sure if Iām kidding or not.
Got a paper cut turning the pages in my self-defense book.
The quality of a good neighbour is not seeing them often.