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Is it just me or does chocolate taste even better late at night, hence the the last four letters of the word chocoLATE?!
"Cannot connect to network. Reset your wireless router." "Umm, okay, but what if my router is in my neighbour`s house? Should I call him?"
Light travels faster than sound. That`s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Oh well, this time isn`t going to procrastinate itself.
Blacking out when you’re drunk is god’s way of telling you that it’s none of your business what you do when you’re drunk.
My ex got run down by a bus today. I thought "Wow, that could have been me!" but I can`t drive a bus.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
First comes love, then comes marriage. Then comes not making any decisions and feeling guilty about asking for blowjobs.
I`m off to bed. For those of you who wish to add a touch of authenticity to your fantasies, the sheets are pale blue...
The more I get to know you, the more I`m convinced that you are the sole inspiration behind many medications.
I am going to open "The Karma Cafe" There will be no menus though. You will get what you deserve!
"No! Don`t leave me! I need you! Nooooo!" I say as my laptop cords slowly slides off my bed onto the floor.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
I need a bank to do two things for me: give me a loan and leave me alone