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Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I`ve learned that I don`t need to use so many paper towels, and they`re expensive.
Remember the days when water was free and you had to pay for porn?
Urban Dictionary has saved me from asking so many awkward questions.
Just woke up next to my bed. Not sure if I fell out or didn`t quite make it in.
Those friends who like and at the same time unlike my statuses please you`re increasing my blood pressure!
I think my girlfriend’s hallucinating. She keeps telling me she’s seeing other people.
We will always have that special 5 minutes before I started creeping you out.
You make me want to be a drunker person
Funerals are so depressing, when I die I want to be fed to a shark or something cool.
Is snaxting a thing? Texting each other pics of your snacks? Cause I feel like I’d be pretty good at that.
I`ve been calling my wife "honey" for 12 years because I don`t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
In retrospect, I suppose "harder" wasn`t the best choice of a safe word.
Deaf people don`t have safe words, they use stop signs.
"Are you completely sure this isn`t textable?" - the perfect voicemail prompt
My ex says that he will dance on my grave. I`ve now arranged to be buried at sea