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I once found a whip, a mask, a baton and handcuffs in my Mother-in-Law`s draw... who knew she was a superhero. Nice!!!
Friend: Hey that`s a great truck. what kinda engine? Me: [rubbing the hood] it`s got a truck engine
Sorry to all my friends and family members who didn`t know I was a freak until they saw my likes and shares on Facebook.
Let me just flip this here omelette.... aaaaaand I`m having scrambled eggs
I just became a professional Counterfeiter, I even have the certificates to prove it.
Don’t look unless you’re prepared to see.
I have no problem texting while driving, but I won’t text while going down stairs. That sh!t’s dangerous.
Me: *kisses her on both cheeks goodbye* Cashier: That`s really not necessary
You said you wanted my advice, but I see you haven’t f*cked off or died yet.
If adult diapers are called Depends, then baby diapers should be called Definitely!!
You can never really say `what`s on your mind` when you have family members on your Facebook.
if truth is what u want...in return alcohol is all I want...
Scent is the sense most tied to memory. "Common" is the sense least tied to people.
Just heard someone pronounce the H in wheel so I`m gonna need a minute
I went frisbee golfing today. I didn`t get an ace, but I did hit a guy and that was just as satisfying.