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The human body is roughly 60% water. I`m not fat, I`m flooded.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I`m hiring her as my personal trainer.
The bible says you can`t buy your way into heaven but there isn`t a church in the country that won`t encourage you to try.
I am not acting childish and you`re just a big doody-head.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on again?
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
I carry a yoga mat, but it`s only because I get sleepy after lunch
A Relationship is like poker, if you don`t have a partner you better have a good hand.
If you have no internet history you silently admit wrong doing.
I’ve been really depressed these past few days. Finally visited a therapist and got diagnosed. Turns out, I’m poor.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying.
Women use sex to get stuff, men lose stuff because of sex.
I don’t understand why drunk me always seems to have more money than sober me.
According to my nipples, there;s a ninety-nine percent chance it`s cold as f*ck outside.