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I wear a ski mask to bed so if there`s a home invasion, the intruder will think I`m part of the team.
Time flies when you’re having a drunken blackout.
Don’t underestimate my ability to be hungry.
My favorite sexual position is pretty much any of them. I`m just glad to be involved.
I was shocked when I heard the local Radio Shack is closing. Mostly because I had no idea we had one.
You know what makes sex awesome? Actually having it.
I`m starting to think that some of you are misspelling words on porpoise.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent ... I would have to say it’s the kids.
This is odd?!?! The hour we lost this weekend was the one when I was planning to go to the gym.
I`m Dave, or as the ladies like to call me... "Hey, you! Behind the bushes!"
Not sure if people stopped saying YOLO or if everyone who said it died.
Dear human, you get mad when i wake you up and also get mad when i dont. Sincerely confused, Alarm Clock.
is at the park. Unless you’re my boss, in which case, I’m at work.
I’m looking up in the sky and I have no idea which cloud has all my data
wishes that more people would declare thumb wars these days. I`m sure that all this texting has prepared my thumb muscles for battle.