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If you see me smiling it`s because I`m thinking of doing something evil or naughty ... If you see me laughing it`s because I`ve already done it
That`s not chapstick in my front pocket.
There is something so unique about me, that even I can`t figure it out...
This guy keeps asking me to help pet his neglected, one-eyed trouser snake. What a sweet guy! I think he`s a vet. Ladieeees! A doctor!!
You`ve never been truly drunk until you`ve had to use a barstool as a walker to get home.
Where did Noah keep his bees? ... In the ark hives ... Yes, I`m showing myself out, thanks
Sometimes I take a bath because it’s hard to drink wine in the shower.
I was going to do some spring cleaning, but the snow has ruined it for me.
There’s actually a thing called “Play Dates “ in 2018. In 1984 we called that “Going outside to play”
The hardest part about having a vivid imagination is finding enough things to climb on to avoid all the frickin’ lava on the floor!
I got food poisoning today. I don’t know when I’ll use it though.
If you have to use a shot glass to make your drinks then you`re not doing it right...
Awkward moment when you just wanted a sugar daddy but becomes the First Lady of America!
The trouble with jogging is, that by the time you realize you`re not in shape, it`s too far to walk back.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT. - My dog, whenever I`m eating.