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I thought we had something. You met my family, made us dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
You never really know someone until you break up with them. If they don’t go crazy and try to kill you than maybe you should give them a second chance.
Men look at boobs for the same reason women look at puppies in cages. We just want to set them free and play with them.
The Bible is pretty accurate...Especially when thrown at close range.
Every time I see a safety warning on a product I can`t help think to myself how natural selection has failed us once again...
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
The easiest way to keep a secret is without help
I`m "keeps a pair of underwear in the glove box because I don`t trust my farts anymore" years old.
Trust me when I say anyone can dance! - Jack Daniels
What a snow day inside with the kids! My one son thought it would be a good idea to fill up the garage freezer with snow to save for later and my other son had an "accident" and peed all over the floor in the bathroom. Youd think they know better at 13 and 15 years old! I probably should stop letting them drink beer in the house.
My dog is a typical guy, I talk to him and he’s all wagging his tail, but I know he’s not listening. I get it ladies.
My worst ideas have all either started or ended with having no pants on.
If those Febreeze commercials with rooms filled with stinking, rotting garbage convince you to buy their product. Here`s a heads up for you........ You need to clean your freaking house!!!
Thank God I still have a few days left to achieve my goal of “going to the gym in 2014.”
Oh... the look on the Home Depot associate`s face when I asked him if the pruning shears will cut through bone... priceless.