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Get at least eight hours of beauty sleep, 9 if you`re ugly.
The only thing worse than "the one that got away" is the one that won`t go away.
I hope someone drives slightly slower in front of you on a crowded highway and you can’t pass.
Always remember, it`s better to arrive late than to arrive ugly.
Is it just me, or that sea witch Ursula from the Little Mermaid inspired from a full blown flamboyant drag queen?
*uses Ouija board* NEW PHONE WHO DIS
My plan for today? Same as always: Drink coffee and be sexy.
You know those adorable idiosyncrasies you loved about your spouse when first dating? Well, after 10 years of marriage they become what the police refer to as "motive".
I`m not funny, I`m just kidding u
Noise cancelling toilets should be a thing.
Why do people ask "What the hell were you thinking?" Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain it.
You know what the trouble with jogging is...by the time you realize you`re not in shape for it, it`s too far to walk back.
Never go to bed angry. Stay awake and plot revenge.
When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, "Yes, we`ve met before." So they feel awkward trying to remember me
Redneck`s famous last words: "Is that enough duck tape?"