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When people ask me what I did over the weekend, I always squint and respond “Why, what did you hear?”
I can`t believe it`s been a year since I didn`t become a better person....
I don`t like making plans for the day, because then the pesky word "premeditated " gets thrown around in court.
is having some serious PMS: Parked Motorcycle Syndrome!
A homeless man comes up to me asking for change, I say "Change comes from within." He looked stunned.
Yes I walked away mid-conversation. You were boring me to death and my survival instincts kicked in
Tequila... It`s not just for breakfast anymore...
anyone celebrating anything today? Anything at all... doesn`t matter what. I just need something to drink to.
I`m no mathlete, but I CAN tell you that a 6 y/o running at 8 mph chasing an ice cream truck moving at 10 mph flies 7.4 ft if you trip him.
I love how my calendar assumes when I add a 8:00 event, it’s AM. Google thinks I’ve got my life together.
Ahhh, the 4th of July. The day where trips to hospital start with the words "Hold my beer and watch this!"
If a group of midgets performed the YMCA song, it is to be considered that they did it in lowercase?
Well if you didn`t want me to fall in love with you, why did you tell me you had nachos?
I can`t wait to miss the upcoming season of American Idol.
Apparently asking girl scouts which cookie pairs nicely with whiskey is inappropriate....