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Why do they always have 5K runs for charity? Just once, couldn’t they have a sit for charity or nap for charity?
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
If I had a mood ring on today, it`d be flashing like a disco ball!
Handle every stressful situation like a Dog.....Pee on it and walk away.
In paintball, you should be allowed to use a paintbrush as a knife.
How do you know if your girlfriend is getting fat?...She fits into your wife`s clothes.
I took my family to Sea World this weekend, but i wasnt allowed in. Apparently you cant take your fishing rod.
I see you liked my status... I accept your invitation for sex.
Shout out to all the ladies at church today in the same clothes from the club last night.
If I`m carrying a torch for you it`s only because I want to set you on fire.
Designated Driver is just a nicer way of saying, you can come with us, but nobody wants to deal with your drunk a$$.
Highways need 4 lanes per side - A NASCAR wannabe lane, a normal driver lane, an old people who drive 40 in a 70 lane & a "where in the hell am I?" lane.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Irony is paying a therapist to listen to how you don’t like talking to other people.
Something about summertime brings out the beer guzzling Homer Simpson in me.