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You know you`ve won the argument when the other person responds with "Whatever..."
Before you decide to spend less time on social media... make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
When I die I want my body donated to science; specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead people back to life
I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
How many facebook friends do you have that if they posted "I`m depressed and on the edge", your first thought would be to poke them?
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Basketball would be a lot more exciting if each team was allowed one bear.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I`m looking for the thumbs-down button.
My doctor told me, "DON`T mix this medicine with alcohol or you could wake up somewhere naked with a monkey on your arm." CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Just think of how different the world would be if Noah had eaten those two chickens.
Face down, a$$ up ... that`s the way I tie my shoes.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. -Me with beer, me without beer
I have some jokes about unemployment but they need some work.
I don`t have a drinking problem. If anything, I`m TOO good at it.
If I`m ever in the hospital on Life Support, don`t just pull the plug. Pull it and plug it back in. Basically, see if you can reboot me.