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scream outloud and really fast "I won a math debate"
Put that down you fat piece of sh!t` - the title of the dieting book I`m writing.
I heard an ex got run down by a bus today. I thought "Wow, that could have been me!" But then, I can`t drive a bus..
I am a very tolerant person until you think differently than me. Then I act like a spoiled little brat.
I’d like to hang out, but that would get in the way of me being home and doing absolutely nothing.
Sure, I was walking home from the bar drunk, but I wasn`t even stumbling. My guess is, the cops just had it in for naked people.
If you’ve never pretended a Cheeto is a tiny caveman club, we can’t be friends.
Shouldn`t we get paid to use the self-service checkouts in supermarkets? It`s like we work there for a little while.
I was called a sexist today ... I said, I think you`re mistaken ...its pronounced sexy
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I Got so Drunk Last Night ,.I Walked Across the Dance Floor to Get Another Drink, and I Won the DANCE COMPETITION...!!
The best part of my divorce was how I woke up and I hadn`t done anything wrong
The closest I`ve come to camping was that one time when I fell asleep in the bushes outside your window with my camera.
Baby.. I wanna be the reason you need therapy.
When I text someone and they don`t text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from the excitement.