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Always look for the girl with the ponytail holder on her wrist.
Life is not a garden so quit being a hoe
Amazing how many people just stroll into tattoo parlors and say “Give me the dumbest thing you can think of.”
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn`t even come close to my 10 year old`s reaction when I told him that there`s no school today.
If you can say "I made six figures last year," you either have a well paying job or you`re the worst employee at a toy factory
I slept on my neck funny and today I will be turning my whole body like Batman every time I have to look at something.
May be time to get in shape. Halfway up this flight of stairs and I`m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Damn you auto correct mind your business.
This year, I`m thankful for all the people that included me in their mass texts wishing me a "Happy Thanksgiving," now I know which numbers to block when Christmas comes around.
If you`re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
I dropped my affordable health care because I couldn`t afford it .
A day without sunshine is like, you know... night
Apparently the ``All you can eat buffet`` isn`t a challenge ...
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Oh... the look on the Home Depot associate`s face when I asked him if the pruning shears will cut through bone... priceless.