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FITNESS TIP: Set a regular gym schedule that`s easy to keep up with. For example, I work out once every 4 years after I vote for president.
And that`s when I realized, it wasn`t the hamburger who needed help, it was me
I suffer from paranoid-schizophrenic indifference. I really don`t care what the voices in my head are saying behind my back.
I feel like being that guy that gets upset when people use the term "straight A`s". "Fabulously flawless A`s" sounds much better.
Ahhhh, bad credit…the best identity theft protection.
If your house doesn`t have house numbers on it, you need to address that situation.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked ... But, so does Tequila
China has largest population not because the men are extra horny nor women are extra fertile but because... Their condoms are made in China.
Car commercials make driving around in empty parking structures look fun and normal and not suspicious or kidnappy.
Vaginas are like the weather. When it`s wet, it`s time to go inside.
I didn`t think a McDonald`s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did...OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
There`s no WE in pizza.
LIFE HACK: Sneak into doctor`s waiting rooms instead of subscribing to magazines.
Conserve energy: How would you feel if someone turned you on and then left?
6 FUNNIEST CONTRADICTING WORDS 1.Clearly misunderstood 2.Exact estimate 3.Small crowd 4.Found missing 5.Fully empty 6.Happily married