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If you are offended by the things I post on FB you can only imagine the ones I don`t post.
When I`m home alone, every noise I hear is a serial killer
As a child, you dream of adventure, travel & success. As an adult, a lot of the time, you just hope the toilet flushes.
I hate it when I walk through a metal detector, and my abs of steel set it off.
A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want 2 impress that beautiful girl , which machine can I use?" Trainer replies: "Use the ATM"
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Will you go with me to my therapist tomorrow? He thinks I`m making you up.
If only I did everything with the same precision in which I craft my sandwiches.
It scares me when the lights go out and it`s complete darkness. The first thing I think is ... OMG I just went blind!
All my life I thought air was free… and then I bought a bag of chips. ^^
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave. Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
My son said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7,,, and now I`m terrified to go into the bathroom.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Black Friday at my house consist of pants 100% off
I will be thoroughly disappointed if the first human born on Mars isn’t named Marvin.