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I thought we had something. You met my family, made us dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Some days I’d like to take a chainsaw and cut a few branches off my family tree.
I think you and I both know that you`re not facebook friends with me for the funny statuses.
"The truth shall set you free"....unless you are in court. Then you should probably shut the f*ck up.
I like to take, long, romantic walks, to the fridge. <3
How many boxes of these Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
You make your own luck`.. a saying most popular with lucky f*ckers
Apparently, when people say "I could use a hand" it doesn`t mean they want to get slapped in the face.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night.. Next question
Judging by all of the cologne and shower sets I got for Christmas either people know I like to smell good or I am failing at it.
Let`s drink till this day makes some sort of sense.
I don’t necessarily believe in karma, but I’m gonna be extra careful crossing the street after this weekend.
thinks that life was a lot simpler when I thought girls had cooties, and getting to the bottom of the sandbox was a good day.
I am really glad the shutdown is over. I`ll tell you something, it was very lonely being the only nonessential employee who was working.
Single Awareness Day ..... it`s a S.A.D. day