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Got an awesome watch for my birthday. It was waterproof, shockproof, fireproof, bulletproof, acidproof, childproof & scratchproof. I lost it already.
After dinner I like to sit in the garden in my underwear and smoke a cigarette.....but apparently that`s not done at this hotel....
When I hear someone say, "chicken pot pie," I get excited three times.
Somebody is out there, somewhere, thinking of the impact you`ve made in their life. It`s not me. I think your an idiot.
“I demand a recount.” – Me, in a nugget dispute at McDonald’s.
I thought I was losing weight, but it turned out my sweatpants had come untied.
The only exercise I`ve done this month is running out of money
I`m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
A group hug in my family means someone wants to use you as a napkin.
My insomnia is getting worse. I was wide awake all day at work yesterday.
I`ve decided to start taking more supplements: calcium pills for my bones, ginkgo pills for my memory, milk thistle for my liver, ginkgo pills for my memory...
The only reason I offer to be the designated driver is so people will get used to seeing me load lifeless bodies into my car.
They say you need to listen to what your body is telling you. But mine just points and laughs.
I`m thinking of making a sax tape to make myself well known like some of the bad boys and girls do...does it matter if I can`t play it?
My "Savings Account" is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.