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The other day someone told me I could make ice cubes out of leftover wine. I was confused... What is leftover wine?
If a dentist makes money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothbrush that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
If you ever Google "Grandfather Clock", be careful how you spell that sh!t.
I`ll never become mature enough to not laugh out loud when the person in the stall next to me farts so loud it sounds like a volcano just erupted.
On a math test: 2+2 = ? Me: *Use calculator just in case
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog "NO!" and then more quietly, "We talked about this!"
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years? Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
All you need is WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn`t move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn`t, use the tape.
My phone tried to autocorrect "f*cking" to "f*ck king," and I was like hell yeah I am.
How to find the perfect wife: Play monopoly with her. if she chooses the iron, she`s the one.
Why don`t family members send me money for my birthday anymore? I need it now more than when I was 7
Don’t start an argument with a girl because they have 45030194 GB memories and will bring up something you did at 2:27PM on April 23rd 2008.
One fun way to describe Facebook is “imagine you are a mind reader in Walmart.”
President Donald Trump will sign an executive order tomorrow to bring back Pluto as a planet. Make the universe GREAT again.