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How to find the perfect husband: Play monopoly with him. if he chooses the iron, he`s the one
If you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 3 or 4 births before they throw you out.
Sometimes I wish I could appear offline in real life too
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
Ferris Bueller did more in one day than I did last year.
If Wonder Woman and Spiderman went into business together would they call it Amazon Web Services?
The condoms need to be located in the baby aisle, next to the 30 dollar diapers and 20 dollar formula cans
Who ever said technology will replace paper.....has obviously never tried wiping their a$$ with an IPAD.
I go on dates just to remind myself that being single is awesome.
I`m not drunk ... But I`m working on it.
Diamonds are the hardest substance in the world ... to get back from a woman
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Girl:How do u feel? Boy:With your hands
There`s nothing like hearing the laughter of a baby. Unless it`s 1AM and you`re home alone.
Remember when you were a kid and all you would use the computer for was paint and space pinball?