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If you live in a custom-built house that doesn’t have a secret room hidden behind a fake bookcase, then seriously what is the point?
life is unfair theres 6 days between monday and sunday but only 1 between sunday and monday
As soon as the Zombie Apocalypse hits I`m grabbing a sledgehammer and heading down to the local cemetery for the greatest game of Whack-A-Mole ever.
I only drank twice last week....Once for three days and once for four days
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn`t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
If I was supposed to share them, they wouldn`t be called nachos.
The number one key to a successful marriage is alcoholism.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck. But through hard work and perseverance, I now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Of all the lies I`ve told in my life, "Just kidding" is my favorite.
Man: "You look nice today..." Woman: "Was I ugly yesterday?"
Come to think of it, I’ve never seen a taxi fill up at a gas station
The one who laughs last is the slowest. The one who laughs first has the dirtiest mind.
I get paid to be nice at work. Not sure why my family and friends expect that for free.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy. I came back drunk.
Relationship status: Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.