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When I say "It`s a long story," it doesn`t mean it`s actually a long story. It means I just don`t want to tell you.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it`s working.
The only thing I`m really learning from this 401K meeting at work this morning is that I`ll probably never be able to retire.
You seem to love cocktails... or part of it.
Today I saw a baby with a bib that said `This dumbass put my cape on backwards.`
It`s weird how we are all here because of boners
A simple "good morning beautiful" text could make any girl smile for the whole day. ..but knocking on the bathroom window first to ask her number sort of ruins it for some reason.
When I was a child, I wanted to be a surgeon. But apparently I was too young
"But why?" - Me at weddings
I just saw a bus that you would look amazing under.
Five little words that will win my heart, "I brought beer and pizza."
I`m not the type of person you want to put on speaker during a phone conversation.
My parents say I was an unplanned child, which probably explains why my life isn`t going to plan.
I really don`t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she`s at least 18.
I just want to be rich enough to pay people to not talk to me.