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I think its nice my vacuum cleaner has head lights. Just in case I wanna wake up in the middle of the night and clean in the dark, or wake up my dog making him think he’s getting hit by a
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger. So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex`s car.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Dating these days must be so hard, because how do you know somebody loves you if they don’t make you a mix tape?
The last time I saw something as ugly as your face I pinned a tail on it.
I like candle lit dinners, romantic walks on the beach, and hardcore pornography.
My career plans were much more exciting when I was 5
If you have to guess what a commercial is selling, it`s always perfume.
I`m so lonely I drive around town with a coffee cup glued to the roof of my car just so people will wave at me.
Some people live life in the fast lane. You’re in oncoming traffic.
I hate people who take drugs ... Customs for example.
When you’re a kid, you hate those moments when there is absolutely nothing to do. As an adult, you live for them.
Shoplifting is just undocumented shopping.
Something about summertime brings out the beer guzzling Homer Simpson in me.
A guy had his whole left side torn off, the doctor said he`s all right.