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I hate it when a website greets me with a pop-up window. It just feels like you should say hi first, maybe buy me a drink.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
I`m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
They say that nobody is perfect, then they say that practice makes perfect. I wish they`d make up their mind
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Friendships must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.
You know you`re non-domesticated when the only reason you finally transfer the dishes from the sink to the dishwasher is so you can gain access to the garbage disposal.
"There`s strength in numbers" I whisper to my 9th slice of pizza.
To the lady at Costco with her son on a leash. I`m sorry that I asked if he was a rescue.
Hooters does have hot girls, but the Subway girls are the real wife material.
One of my best talents is pretending to like people. Unfortunately, I only show it when no one`s around.
It`s a bad sign when your credit card bill has a comma and your bank statement doesn`t!
Does anyone else wonder why naked and baked, 2 words that go together SO well, don`t rhyme?? ...I mean, who comes up with these words anyway? lol
According to my childhood, 1 out of 3 pigs are excellent builders.
I don’t drink to forget, I… what was I saying?