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Anyone who says "Let`s all put our phones down and talk with each other," is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Me: Probably still mirrors.
My girlfriend said she wasn`t impressed and felt she needed a man with at least 6 inches. So I folded it in half.
I don`t like Instagram. It reminds me that somewhere people are doing stuff. I just don`t need that kind of pressure.
It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much stuff to carry.
Calm down ... Take a deep breath and hold it for about 30 minutes.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the "Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down" warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
The problem with plants is that you have to water them… like more than once apparently.
If u think I talk to much, just let me know. We can talk about it!
Sarcasm is the ability to insult stupid people without them realizing it.
"Last man standing" is the winner in most contests, but the runner up in musical chairs.
When wearing a logo or clever t-shirt, make sure your rack looks good. No one likes reading stuff on a lumpy, wavy surface. You too, ladies.
The Family Reunion went pretty good until they all figured out that I wasn`t related to any of them
The longer a Woman takes to get ready, the easier it is to piss her off.. it`s Science
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is knowing not to put it in the fruit salad.