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Still haven`t taken down the Christmas tree. Screw it. We now have a Super Bowl tree.
I don`t hate you. I just hope your next period happens while you`re in a shark tank!
Insert coin to view my status message.
When I say "It’s a long story" It usually means I just don’t want to tell you it.
I was playing catch phrase with my family and the phrase I got was `pearl necklace` .. And then I ruined family time...
Mall kiosk employees are basically human pop up ads.
My wife sure is picky for someone who married me.
This town is about as exciting as watching an M&M melt in the sun.
“How are feeling today?” is a polite reminder that you were a mess the night before.
I`ll never forget the first time I saw a dry erase board, "Wow" I thought, "that`s remarkable"
I used to play sports. Then realized you can buy trophies. Now I´m good at everything.
When you "pretend speak" to someone in the background while ordering takeout so that the restaurant doesn`t judge your big order for one.
The older I get the earlier it gets late.
I wish college was 5 easy payments of $19.99
Slipped on black ice today, I thought it was regular ice at first, but when I stood up, my wallet was gone.