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"You`re right I`m sorry. You`re right I`m sorry. You`re right I`m sorry. You`re right I`m sorry" - me practicing for a successful relationship.
Im pretty sure that my shrink this week mumbled "this is pure gold" under his breath
Heard the local weatherman say, "high in the thirties" & now I know the title to my autobiography.
What`s the right age to stop running naked from the bedroom to the bathroom?
Halfway through singing a romantic ballad to my cat, it occurred to me that I`m going to die alone.
I don`t remember anything that happened, but I may have had a drink or two...
Don’t piss off old people. The older they get, the less ‘life in prison’ is a deterrent.
I hate it when people hate me without even giving me a chance to give them a good reason to.
A girl updated her facebook status saying: All men are dogs and I commented • Which breed is your dad?
Hate it when I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket and it’s not even in there.
Dude, I see you are enjoying a cold Bud Light Lime-a-Rita .... I`m going to assume that`s your smart car parked outside.
I wish there was a room where we could go and see all the stuff we have ever lost.
I`ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I`ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can`t reach the remote.
Pretty sure I know what my wife`s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, "A 3-way?" she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
I wonder if there`s a margarita somewhere out there thinking about me, too.