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A lot of people don`t realise that Shania Twain`s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
Told my kids next time I take their electronics away I`d also be responding to all texts they receive. They`ve been well behaved since.
I forgot to make a resolution, so I`m pretty much going to just write out everything I did last night and add the word "stop" to the beginning.
When I hear someone say, "chicken pot pie," I get excited three times.
I like to log into facebook and leave a status just to show I`m here. Or am I?
thinks that decaffeinated coffee is just useless brown water.
My bank is the worst. They`re charging me money for not having enough money in my account. Apparently, I can`t even afford to be broke.
How to cure a headache: 1. Drink a glass of water. 2. Take 10 deep breathes. 3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
I spent at least half an hour trying to get my girlfriends bra off. I will never try wearing that again.
Rough day! I have now completed the top 6 things off my to-do list ... Time to go get another six pack I guess.
Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship`s kitchen.
The older I get the earlier it gets late.
My 17yo pretends he doesn`t understand how the washer works when I ask him to do the laundry Congrats, you`re finally a man
Words and phrases I hope do not appear in my obituary: "Skeletal remains", "Dumpster", "Beyond recognition", "Decapitated", "Dental records", "Shallow grave", "Strewn", and "Suicide by Cop."
My chemistry teacher asked us what the heaviest metal was today. Apparently "Megadeath" was the wrong answer.