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My therapist told me today that I need to stop talking to inanimate objects, but I mean he`s just a lamp so what does he really know anyway
Sometimes I get nervous I haven`t done anything with my life. But then something good comes on TV, and I`m OK.
Now that the Summer is over, I can finally stop pretending to be on a diet
How to live a happy life: 1)Do whatever you want 2)Don`t worry 3)Eat whatever you want 4)Don`t take advice from strangers on the internet
What if animals all speak a universal language, and we’re the odd ones out???
I always tell new hires, don`t think of me as your boss, think of me as your friend who can fire you`re ass
I wish Noah would have swatted those two mosquitoes.
I dont pay for cabs if I’m too drunk to drive. I find the nearest Dominos, order a pizza delivery to my house & ask for a ride home with it.
My psychiatrist told me I need to love myself more. I was like, "damn doc I`m already up to 3 times a day"
After all these years I finally figured out that that last little piece of soap is more trouble than it`s worth.
Sometimes, even I`m afraid of the things my mind comes up with.
People should have to pass an IQ test to use the self-checkout section.
I tried yoga and I think my downward dog looked more like winnie the pooh getting stuck in rabbit`s door.
How dare the NFL build walls to keep fans that haven`t paid for a ticket from entering the game!
If da Vinci were alive today, the "Mona Lisa" would have been called "IMG-20121020-00463.jpg"