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I`ve done so much f*cked up sh!t while I was drunk that I have to drink to forget it all.
I always say, "morning." Instead of, "good morning." If it were a good morning, I would still be asleep in bed instead of talking to people.
Why do they waste so much money on all the checkout lanes at Walmart, when they only have two of them open at any given time.
Its never polite to ask the guy at the next table "are you done with that?" Especially when he`s breaking up with his girlfriend.
If I could just make one thing very clear at this point ... I would.
I have an irrational fear of speedbumps… but, I’m slowly getting over it.
Bad news, guys. Throwing a cat through a wall doesn`t make a funny, cat-shaped hole
B!tch, I will slap you by accident on purpose.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I`m living in their attic...
I was going to change my profile pic to a pumpkin for Halloween, but it didn`t look that much different from my actual head.
I am a brilliant man, I just sometimes can`t remember where I parked my car.
I’ve thought about running away as an adult way more than I did as a child.
Sign in a grocery store: Take lettuce from top of stack, or heads will roll!
I was at the hospital earlier today and saw a cute girl with a cast on her leg. Naturally, my first thought was "Hey, this one can`t run away..."
I don`t like morning people ... Or mornings ... Or people.