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I love being married. It`s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
I just did my budget for August. If I don`t buy food ... I won`t need toilet paper. I think I`m on to something here.
One thing`s for sure when I shower with my boyfriend. My titties are spotless!!
Guys... If the girl your getting down with doesn`t even have time to fake an orgasm..... It`s prob best you just make your sandwich
Are you tired of every day being the same? Congratulations, you’re an adult!
Nothing stops a yawn faster than a dog trying to lick inside your mouth
My sex tape would just be called Home Alone.
Are the ATF and border patrols also shutdown? Asking for a Mexican friend....
I have a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you think I`m sexy!" Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
My Ex texted me."please delete my number."I replied,"Who`s this??"
You don`t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine.
When do you take 5 hr energy? Right when I get off work ..12am!..beer here I come!
Money can`t buy happiness, but somehow it`s a lot better to cry in a Mercedes than it is to cry on a bike...
I am 5 for 5 on popping my trunk instead of unlocking the fuel door at the gas station.
Just hired two Private Investigators to follow each other. I`ll keep you posted......