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Some people need to calm down, take a deep breath and then hold it for 20 minutes.
I don`t get it, no matter how many times I call `shotgun` the cops always put me in the backseat.
I still believe in love. But I also believe in sasquatch, nessy, and that I could win the lottery. So there`s that....
If one of Santa`s helpers takes a picture of himself with his smartphone, is that an "elfie"?
Broke up with my girlfriend. She was into the horoscope stuff and we weren`t compatible. I`m a libra and shes a...b!tch
If life was easy, we wouldn`t need alcohol.
Why is it that whenever you dial a wrong number, somebody always answers?
You’re lucky that I’m so terrified of prison.
I`m bored, I think I`ll ask my boyfriend if I look fat. - women
Here’s your social security card. It’s paper & has to last you forever. Don’t laminate it. Good luck! -The Government
I`m tired of being the better person. One day I`d like to be the bitch that they claim I am.
People should have to pass an IQ test to use the self-checkout section.
Birds do it. Bees do it. Heck, even fleas do it. Let`s do it! Let`s live in a homeless man`s beard!
Look, here’s the deal: If you’re into immature, sexually compulsive men who drink too much and need to be the center of attention at all times, you are going to find me very attractive.
I usually spend my Mondays texting apologies but I`ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.