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We live in an era of smart phones and stupid people.
Sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck.
I love how people say they`re "expecting" a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin.
Mom: How are your grades this semester? Me:.... Mom:.... Me: Mother what`s important is that we have our health
My hobbies include trying to close the elevator door before someone else gets on.
That awkward moment when you’re yelling at someone and you mess up a word.
No one looks more depressed than a grown man walking away from the microwave with a Lean Cuisine meal in his hands.
Things that keep me awake # 408...How do Amish girls know if it’s a romantic candlelit dinner or just regular dinner?
Hugh Hefner dead at age 91. With the amount of Viagra that guy must have been taking, good luck closing that casket lid.
Dear Car driving 40mph on the highway this morning. It`s only a 1/4“ of snow plus you have a "Jesus Fish" on your bumper. You`ll be just fine.
Inspirational status of the day: Don’t be a douche.
My grandfather once waited in line for 36 hours to get a loaf of bread and I can`t wait two seconds for a Youtube video to load.
I see dead people. Well technically they`re stupid people, but give me a few minutes
Roger that command center, we have arrived at our destination and will commence countdown..............Sir this is McDonalds how may I help you
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.