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I know a lot of women who should substitute their lipstick with glue sticks.
My email notification is a cricket sound that drives the wife crazy looking for the cricket. Winning!
Dating Tip: If you eat a magnet and slip another magnet into your date`s drink she`ll never be able to leave you
I just realized that the only time I`m good at dancing is when I`m about to pee my pants
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
If I`ve offended you in the past, please accept my apology, and shove it up your a$$.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders... * How I learned this rule is not important.
Drink till she´s cute, but stop before the wedding
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
I almost talked my way out of a ticket today by telling a female cop she was very attractive, but things went sour when I said "and that`s not just the booze talking either".
Just because I don’t like you doesn’t mean I don’t want you to like me.- Most Girls
Dear women at Walmart with 6 screaming kids: if your wondering how that box of condoms got in your cart.... Your welcome!
If your friends tell you not to give in to peer pressure and you don`t: technically, you did
My bedroom is perfect for a one night stand, but there’s no room for two night stands.
I’m positive that somewhere out there exists a video montage of me dancing alone in various elevators.