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Dramatically slamming a book shut upon finishing it was way more satisfying than switching my Kindle off and gently placing it on the table.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn`t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
A word of advice, stay on my good side. My good side is in Hawaii.
I knew you were coming so I baked a cake ... It was delicious.
No one asks the tough questions, like why are drug dealers on the metric system?
I forgot to make a resolution, so I`m pretty much going to just write out everything I did last night and add the word "stop" to the beginning.
I love it when I Google something I should know the answer to and find out 308 people are just as dumb as I am.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
I consider anything that doesn`t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
What Meatloaf wouldn`t do for love I would probably do for a six pack.
I`m leaving my body to science fiction
You laugh because you think it’s a joke. I laugh because you think I’m joking.
This is the only comment you should be leaving on porn sites: “Why are you doing this? Please come home. Your mother and I are heartbroken.”
Meanwhile on Facebook someone has made a casserole....
Sometimes you just need to do something stupid while sober so that people will leave you alone about your drinking.