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wonders how you can knock sense into someone when you`re beating them senseless?
I got all my Christmas shopping done. Hope everyone likes bunny ears, ornamental grass, and discounted peeps.
The best thing about not being with you, is not being with you.
The difference between cars and whales is that whales can swim and cars can`t.
I knew the Psychic was no good the moment she accepted my check
I found $40 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy dart guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, dart guns and candy".
Oh I thought it was wait 30 YEARS after eating before you exercise.
Today’s Horoscope: You’re gullible
I`m just chilling tonight with my new plane ... Oops, I`ve said too much.
My wife asked me to load the dishwasher. So I poured her some shots and told her to start drinking. And that`s how the fight started.
The real trouble with reality is that there`s no background music.
If your girlfriends cat gets eaten by an angry pitbul terrier, gently singing "The circle of life" into her ear WILL NOT cheer her up.
Nothing good ever came from drinking things that are on fire.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to `Toys For Tots` before you`re eligible for an Xbox?
Me: I only smoke weed because of Cancer. Mom: You don`t have Cancer! Me: So it`s working...