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If she asks what the weight limit is on your ceiling fan.... She`s a keeper!
I just saw a gang of really drunk mosquitoes leave my arm and high-five each other. Weird.
Life would be so much better if throughout the day we encountered randomly placed Piñatas
Ever been in the middle of writing a great post and think, did I just run someone over?
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
I could write an entire book on excuses,,, but I have to pick my grandma up at the airport.
It`s kind of weird that beams of electricity strike down from the sky and we`re all just okay with it.
I would really like to help you move your furniture tomorrow but I’m going to be too busy sitting on mine
Whatever doesn’t kill me makes me all like, “Whoa! That was close!”
Sorry I made fun of your erectile dysfunction, I hope there’s no hard feelings.
Hey baby, wanna come to myspace and twitter my yahoo `till i google all over your facebook?
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
My therapist keeps saying that I should really stop talking to inanimate objects.....but he`s a lamp...what does he know....
That moment of shame when an automatic door doesn`t open for you
Sometimes I get mad about having to unload the dishwasher but then I remember a machine just washed my dishes for me.