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You question whether you are getting old when your barber asks if your eyebrows need trimming, and you know it when he does it without asking
Best of luck explaining why you’re still single at Thanksgiving and Charles Manson isn’t.
If listening to stupid people burned calories, I`d be a supermodel.
Always remember, it`s better to arrive late than to arrive ugly.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they`re the problem is the other half.
If I had to describe myself in one word it would be "doesn`t know how to follow directions."
I sure do feel a lot more attractive at Walmart than I do at the gym.
I just threw a piece of food on the floor of my cubicle. Totally forgot my dog doesn`t work here.
I was the kid my parents warned me about.
We’re all mature until somebody brings out the bubble-wrap.
I have a PHD (Pretty Huge d*ck)
I`d care more about your feelings if they came with a toy and chicken nuggets.
Who did you vote for?? Clinton ? Trump ? Vodka
Give a man a beer and he wastes an hour, teach him how to brew, and he wastes a lifetime.
We got an extra day this year. Why did it have to be a Monday?