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Love is like Wi-Fi, you can`t see it, but you know when you`ve lost it.
If I had a dollar for every girl that told me I was unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?” Facebook is worse than my parents.
I`m going to start carrying fireworks in my car because sometimes my horn just isn`t enough.
Dropped my cheeseburger in the dirt before I ate it. That`s about as organic you`re gonna get out of me.
I feel like water solves all problems. Wanna lose weight? drink water .. clear face ? Drink water.. Tired of your better half? Drown them
If I`m in your house and you have bookshelves... Be prepared to see me turning statues and bending down books while looking for your lair.
I might get a job cleaning mirrors,its a job I can see myself doing.
Leaving the house on a Monday morning would be so much cooler if someone would yell "Aaaaand Action!" as I walk out the door.
Ya know what I really hate about mornings? People start talking to me!
How do you make your wife scream during sex?? Call her and tell her about it.
No one answers their phones anymore... If I ever get arrested, I don`t want a damn phone call, I want a facebook posting.
if your morning beverage isn`t half booze/half coffee, you`re doing Saturday wrong.
I`m gonna just take a quick nap before I go to bed.