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Is it just me or when you turn off the computer by holding down the power button, it feels like Iām choking it to death.
Three decades of playing Tetris have apparently not improved our nation`s ability to stow overhead luggage.
I`m changing my voicemail greeting to: Please hang up and text me, thanks. ;)
FYI: The signs that say "Falling Rocks"....I tried it.....it doesn`t.
I always say, "monring" instead of "good morning" because if it was a good morning, I`d still be in bed sleeping.
Dear Mom, If all my friends jumped off a cliff, it`s because it was my idea. Sincerely, Your child is a leader, not a follower.
A poem about me: I hate mornings. I wish I was drunk. The End.
I stay a bit overweight because it wouldn`t be fair to all the skinny people if I were this attractive, intelligent, funny, AND thin ... It`s a public service really.
Did I ever tell you about my old girlfriend? The one with the "Lazy Eye"? I had to break up with her, she was seeing somebody on the side..........................
Found out today you`re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at the waffle house... just trying to help.
You call it free samples, I call it a free all you can eat buffet.
What is this `wrong hole` you people speak of?
I love the phrase "boobie trapped" I mean, who doesn`t like to be trapped by boobies????
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now Iām gonna be up all night worrying.
You actually are not the stupidest person on the planet. But if he were to die...