Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Hair growing from my ears and nostrils doesn`t mean I`m getting old, right? Means I`m turning into a werewolf! Right?
I don`t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
If people say you`re acting "really weird," take it as a compliment that you usually only act semi-weird and now you`re totally nailin` it.
Step 1: Remove food from packaging. Step 2: Throw out packaging Step. 3: Dig packaging out of trash to locate cook time, Repeat steps 2 & 3 as necessary
Scientists uncovered the part of the male brain responsible for pissing off women. It’s next to the part that knows how much roses cost.
I just realized that the only time I`m good at dancing is when I`m about to pee my pants
It`s shocking how much unhappiness is caused by the pressure to be happy.
Wife: give me money I want to buy a bra. Husband: you`ve got nothing to put in them. Wife: you wear shorts
I dont need to control my anger everyone around me needs to control their habit of pissing me off!
Easy come, easy go describes my last 12 cases of beer and 17 relationships.
Only you can prevent bathroom mirror pictures.
Slightly used Christmas tree only one month old. Paid $60. Looking for $40. No low ballers. Serious inquiries only. Come on let`s get this thing done.
The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car is having to go poop after you get out of the shower.
Alcohol does not make you fat. It makes you lean. Mostly against walls, tables, chairs, bars, floors & occasionally, weirdos ..
Dear autocorrect: at no point have I ever meant “ducking.”