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I would like to think that I`ll die heroic death saving someone`s life but it`s more likely I`ll trip over my shoelaces and choke on a spoonful of Nutella.
I don`t know why you put your boat in Sh!t Creek to begin with.
Sure, I`ll go to your open bar and watch you get married.
I assume people with dark tinted windows pick their nose more aggressively than the rest of us.
My body keeps doing these muscle twitches like it wants me to get off this couch and move around. HAHAHAHA. As if.
Turning on your lights and siren after you lose a drag race is just poor sportsmanship.
How does Ice-T order an Iced Tea without sounding like a douche?
If by "help decorate the tree" you mean drinking beer on the couch yelling out everything you`re doing wrong, then yeah, count me in.
This Tequila tastes like an afternoon of fun and bad decisions.
If you think you have problems, remember that Malaysian man who told his wife he was flying to China... and now he can`t get out of his girlfriend`s apartment...
Getting old sucks. I use to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I feel more like a bounced check.
If you ring my door bell you better be the pizza guy or a sexy naked lady ... with a pizza.
If your pet has its own FB page, it might be time for a reality check...
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep.
Sometimes in life, all you really need is a lot of money.