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If I had a dollar for every girl that told me I was unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.
there is a big difference between spray tanned and looking like you rolled in nacho chesse doritos.
I hate to sound racist, but.. all of your baby ultrasounds look the same.
When I`m in a good mood I act like I`m in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.
I hope to get to the point in my life where I`m not excited about finding change on the ground.
I always say "morning" instead of "good morning". If it were a good morning I`d still be in bed instead of talking to people.
All I want is some ketchup packets placed in the bag, without having to ask!
Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says "I think we got this joke wrong."
never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes
I want my tombstone to say "It didn`t make me stronger."
Morning comes in 3 sizes: 1) Early. 2) Too early. 3) Way too early
Guy- What`s your sign? Me- Stop
Really disappointed to find out after laser eye surgery I am unable to burn down buildings
Going to Colorado this weekend to go ... "Hiking"
True love is when you burn your tongue when you take a bite from a pizza and you still keep eating it.