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Now there’s Adderall to perk up, Xanax to calm down, Prozac to feel normal. In my day we drank beer for all three.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
If there’s one piece of advice I can give you it’s to marry someone who has a different favorite cereal than you so they wont eat all of yours.
Just found out What the Braille on the drive-thru ATM actually says, "Move to the passenger seat"
It`s only a 4 way stop if each driver can read
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
The problem with taking the road less traveled is the poor phone signal...
Thoughts of you make my demons nervous.
My level of sarcasm has reached a dangerous level where even I don`t know if I`m kidding or not.
I finally quit eating pizza for good, now I only eat pizza for evil.
Sitting out in my front yard pointing a hair dryer at speeding cars to see if any slow down.
The people who make medicine clearly have no idea what fruit tastes like
If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say,”Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot”, you are wasting everybody’s time.
My doctor said I should eat better. I told him, with what he charges, I’m lucky I eat at all.
There should be reality show where 16 congressmen are forced to take jobs in the private sector.