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It`s not so much that I wanted to drink the whole bottle of wine, I just couldn`t figure out how to get the cork back in it.
If your dog weighs less than 10lbs, it`s technically a cat
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies pooping and vomiting all over themselves.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I`m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God, I could be eating a slow learner...
In terms of procrastination, I had a very productive day.
Relax, we`re all crazy. It`s not a competition.
When I was your age, we had to walk 10 miles in the snow to get drunk and have s€x.
I guess I’ll take my Christmas tree down today.
Let`s face it. Seeing a camel toe in leopard print tights at Walmart is probably the closest any of us will ever get to going on an African safari.
Cop: Been drinking tonight, ma`am? Me: No, I`m just dizzy b/c I`m having a heavy flow day. It`s really clotty and... Cop: You`re free to go.
I`m going to switch my car insurance from Geico to Allstate, then to Statefarm, then back to Geico. If my calculations are correct, they should owe me $837
Most of life is waiting for whatever you`re at to be over.
Write me your opinions on this extra soft paper and leave it next to my toilet.
I called McDonald`s to make a reservation for Valentine`s Day, just to listen to the stammering and confusion from the kid answering the phone.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.