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According to my nipples, summer is over
You`ve reached the limitations of my medications.
I inboxed a girl on Facebook and she never replied. I guess you could say we`re `seen` each other.
I drive everywhere but for some reason my shoes still wear out, it’s like there’s just no reward for laziness.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes… Can you pick me up some beer on your way back?
The older I get .... The more dangerous it is to sneeze
Why is there a Stairway to heaven and a highway to hell? There is a lot more traffic going to hell
A leaf blower, but for people.
I think I have an urge to get up and clean the house. Wait...no, false alarm.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That`s where I come in.
Even atheists make bargains with God when the toilet water threatens to overflow at a friend`s house.
Writing is a great career when people like hearing what you have to say but don`t want to look at you.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight... to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
I don`t feel like folding the laundry, so I just restart the dryer
At funerals instead of crying, I tie the dead person’s shoe laces together. It’s not stupid. What if he comes back as a zombie?