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I love going for walks in the rain. You can pee your pants and no one will be the wiser.
Being skinny might be nice, but having pizza is nicer.
A coworker wouldn`t stop bragging about her upcoming trip to Hawaii, so I emailed her a bunch of pictures of plane crashes.
nothing says i love you like, "im going to buy you new duct tape for your taillight, what color you want? "
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Panick, chaos, anarchy... my work here is done.
i m not totally useless, i can b used as bad example
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years? Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Trust me... You don`t want my undivided attention.
A procrastinator’s work is never done.
If I ever start a band, I`m going to call it The Voices in My Head. Think of all the fun ways you can tell other people what you`re listening to...
Whenever you feel nobody cares or loves you. You should ask yourself...Am I TOO sexy?
Dear human, you get mad when i wake you up and also get mad when i dont. Sincerely confused, Alarm Clock.
There`s a thin line between "I should write a status about that" and "I should talk to my therapist about that"....
Why does the sound of the recliner opening always remind my wife the trash needs to be taken out?