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The awkward moment when you’re running and your boobs are bouncing …. and you’re a guy.
The closest I got to a 4.0 at university… was my blood alcohol level!
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn`t mean to eat it. I don`t want to be a bug.
Life gets expensive when you trust a cute woman.
I`m not saying that I`ve been online too long, I`m just saying that when I close my eyes I scroll through my thoughts
I finally found a machine at the gym I like: the vending machine!
I`ll be posting telepathically today.. So if you think of something funny, that was me.
I legitimately thought I was having a pretty productive day until I realized my phone is set to west coast time and I`m in New York.
Sorry about last night texts. My phone was drunk.
I love that little thing that you do...You know, the one where you leave.
The best person to get thrown in jail with would have to be the Kool-Aid Man.
I`m not just living paycheck to paycheck. I`m living from paycheck to change jar to scrap aluminum to liquor store to paycheck.
What if oxygen makes our voice really deep, and Helium just brings it back to normal?
Let’s have a moment of silence for all these guys that tried to walk across power lines but fell because someone tied their shoes together.
Sex-ed classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for six straight hours while watching the same cartoon on repeat.