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My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don`t tell me about your rough childhood.
Couch pillows are really just fart silencers.
I`ve been holding my stomach in for 3 years now so don`t talk to me about dedication
If its so great outside why do bugs try to get in my f*cking house?
Sometimes “Girl`s night out” means she has just taken her bra off
Adulthood is mostly about being tired and wishing you hadn’t made plans.
Of all the grotesque sounds coming from the bathroom stall next to me, the camera click was the most disturbing!!
Attention...my facebook page has been hacked. But everyone seems to like the new guy better, me too actually...so fvck it!
I can`t be the only one who thinks "Game on, mother f*cker" when I see an air freshner in a bathroom.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can`t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
For those of you who know nothing about pleasing a woman... the G spot is located at the end of the word "shopping".....js
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
First thing I do when I realize I’m lost…turn the radio down.
No one answers their phones anymore... If I ever get arrested, I don`t want a damn phone call, I want a facebook posting.
Conserve energy: How would you feel if someone turned you on and then left?