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Admit it at some point in your life you have tried to close the fridge slowly to see when the light goes out...
Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called "fun sized" should really re-evaluate their standards for entertainment.
I like to respond to statuses with .. WOW, Someone needs a Happy Meal.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night ... From the dryer
I am going to write a book about A.D.D., because .. I love fishing. -LOL
I would leave my house a LOT more if I could take the couch with me and wear my pajamas.
Roses are red, this much is true, Violets are purple, not f*cking blue
Honking your horn won´t make them go any faster, but at least they´ll know that you´re an asshole.
I’ve got a friend whose nickname is “Shagger”. You might think that’s pretty cool. She doesn’t like it
The problem with the world is intelligent people are full of doubts, while stupid people are full of confidence.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
After four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my cast
eHarmony matched me with a bean bag chair with duct tape on it
I slept and woke up. (ok, lately this has become a major accomplishment in my life)
Give a man a fish and he`ll go to McDonald`s instead. Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald`s