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I know a lot of women who should substitute their lipstick with glue sticks.
When a guy texts a girl “hey stranger”, what he really means is “I’ve recently thought about trying to get in your pants again.”
I like to imagine that braille on random public signs often says: “How did you know this was here?”
Next time you are sad remember you can make a cheeseburger with donuts as the bun. Still sad? Add Sprinkles
The mind is like a parachute .... It doesn`t work if it isn`t open.
I hear voices ... and they don`t like you.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there`s a home invasion the intruder will think I`m part of the team.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
One of the best uses I`ve ever found for invisible ink is when I signed my marriage license with it.
My leadership experience is pretty much limited to those three consecutive days in first grade when I was line leader.
Someday, the time I waste deciding what to watch on Netflix will be shorter than the actual time watching it
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a medication bottle that says, "May cause extreme sexiness".
The Teen Choice Awards air last tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren`t allowed to vote.
The Three Up`s in life: 1. Show 2. Keep 3. Shut
I drive safer when there`s food on my passenger seat than when there`s a person sitting there.