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Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
I am actually impressed by what Lance Armstrong has done. When I was on drugs, I couldn`t even find my bike!
Advantage #46 of being single. I have entire closets that are completely empty.
Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain beard 3.) prisoner of war beard 4.) homeless person beard 5.) wizard beard
I like my women like I like my motorcycles. Not ridden by all my friends.
Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on again?
I love a woman in uniform. I mean naked.
Euphoria....the feeling you get when you finally beat "that" level on Candy Crush.
You can`t be ugly and play hard to get. It just doesn`t work that way...your already hard to want
if you were 2 times as smart as you are now ... you would still be stupid
When the nurse calls my name at the doctor’s office, I like to run through the waiting room like I got called on The Price is Right.
More celebrities should donate blood. I mean, imagine having the blood of Will Smith running through your veins.
That moment when you realize the object of #WeightWatchers is NOT see who can score the most points...
Millions of innocent coconuts are murdered each year so you can drink their nutritious blood you insensitive health freak
Four words that I never want to hear: There is no food