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Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
You think your life is bad? I’ve got that “Five dollar foot long” song stuck in my head
If the shampoo and conditioner in her shower are not the same brand GET THE F*CK OUT, SHE`S A MAN!
I answered the door in my underwear. That WAS the tip, pizza guy!
Meant to tell my kid "Good night, I love you," but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school tomorrow because this is bullsh!t"
I miss newspapers. It`s weird hitting a dog on the nose with an iPad.
Bathtub` spelled backwards is still `bathtub`. It`s not, but for a second there, you believed me.
When you`re down about your body image just type "fat people" into Google images, always makes me feel better!:)
The only reason I keep people`s phone numbers in my phone is to avoid their calls..
Nothing says "under the thumb" like a joint Facebook account
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
I feel sorry for men who don’t know how to value women. One look at a woman and I know how much she will cost me.
Several decisions I make on a daily basis hinge upon the question "illegal or just frowned upon?"
Don`t be afraid of a few extra pounds, fat people are much harder to kidnap.
Daylight Saving Time rocks. It even makes laziness sound impressive. I did nothing for 24 hours? Not today. I did nothing for 25 hours!