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In the morning instead of having coffee and reading my horoscope, I have coffee and unfriend anyone who posts their horoscope.
Karate is just a violent way of making people smell your feet.
Sometimes I like to play God and just ignore everyone when they talk to me.
My hatred for Nicki Minaj probably stems from my fear of clowns.
People all around the world are out doing interesting and productive things right now. You are reading this.
Sarcasm and orgasm. Two things most people don`t get. Those who do are smiling right now.
I just apologized to my wife for something she did wrong. Marriage is fun.
wants to come back as a bird after I die.... just so i can sh!t on the people who piss me off.
Just ate a whole bag of chips, but it was “reduced fat” so basically it was like going to the gym.
My hobbies include trying to close the elevator door before someone else gets on.
1: Say "Unh! 2: Mumble three spanish words. 3: list four cities. You just made a Pitbull song.
Sometimes I have to tell myself, "It`s not worth the jail time!"
I hate being bipolar, it`s great .
Whether a Vacuum is on or off, it`s always collecting dust.
Arm wrestling is DEFINITELY the manliest sport where Two dudes hold hands...