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"Does my uniform make me look fat?" -Insecurity guard
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
It is totAlly unnecessary to put a PM after 23:00.
"Please don`t put a million dumb photos of me on your Facebook... it just annoys your friends" - Every baby
Have some fun: goto the local bar. Play every Justin Beaber song and leave.
An arranged marriage is just another way of saying that your parents helped you get laid.
Live life to its fullest even if that means eating everything in the fridge
If you haven`t used your fingers to "expand" a picture in a Magazine today, well then you`re not me.
I thought I`d try yoga to make myself more flexible, but I`m still incredibly stubborn.
The only thing I ever throwback on Thursdays are drinks
I`m not a mechanic so I don`t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
I don`t work that hard, I just make everything look way more difficulat than it is...
An egg salad is really just a chicken salad that is really underdone.
My doctor recommended I increase the amount of Greens in my diet...so I started drinking more Rolling Rock.
"My place is a mess" - Every girl, ever.... "Well in that case, I`m not coming in" - No guy, ever.