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Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Sh!t`s spiraling out of control and I`m all like "wheeeee."
Netflix is soo much better than going out and pretending to like people.
It`s amazing how we are very good lawyers for our own mistakes and very good Judges for other people`s mistakes.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik`s Cube to solve it
Maybe the reason the world keeps making idiots famous is because 75% of the world is made up of idiots.
Never piss off a woman on her period...scratch that...Never piss off a woman, period.
There`s really no telling how successful I could have been if the internet hadn`t been invented...
My new year`s resolution is to stop making new year`s resolutions.
I try not to laugh at my own jokes. But we all know I`m hilarious.
I get very annoyed when people mix up there, they`re and their. From now on I`m going to point it out, weather they like it or not.
I didn`t think a McDonald`s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did...OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
I`ve always wondered is jellyfish are sad because there are no peanut butter fish.
Sometimes I wish there was a `Build-a-Girlfriend`.