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School is like an erection. It`s long and hard unless you`re Asian.
i dont normally have a cool facebook status, but when i do, an older relative spoils it with a lame comment.
I think I`m gonna take a hot shower. Its like a normal shower, but with me in it.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Your boyfriend has long hair too. I sometimes have trouble figuring out who the girl is in the relationship.
Things to do today.....pet all the spiders in my house at least twice with my shoe.
So, if I lie to the government, it’s a felony. But if they lie to me its politics?
How many boxes of these Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Think of a number between 0 and 20. Add 40 to it. Multiply by 2. Subtract 3. Now close your eyes.... It`s dark isn`t it.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
I was about to do something awesome, again, but I told myself “Enough is enough, that’s plenty of awesome for one day”
If I’m not eating I’m most likely not happy.
Before you have any hope for the future of humanity, come and look at how this guy parked.
I never cry over spilt milk. But, beer? That sh!t`s totally different.
How many servings of fruit are in a fruit roll up? I`m trying to take my diet seriously now.