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If my superpower was to be able to stop time, I`d totally use it to take a nap without people noticing.
The human body is roughly 60% water. I`m not fat, I`m flooded.
Apparently when my math teacher asked `what comes after 69` "I DO" was not the correct answer.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
I`ll be back before you can pronounce actillimandataquerin altosapaoyabayadoondib ab!
If you`ve ever wondered why an animal is stupid enough to run into oncoming traffic on the highway, then you`ve obviously never been married.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy, if you put it in your stomach first.
It`s fun to leave a note on the windshield of an expensive car saying sorry I smashed it, but I fixed it so well that you can`t tell.
When I`m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they`re safe
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that`s not your Ferrari?
Boobs are like model trains. They were originally for children but grown men always want to play with them.
Parts of my body are turning 50 Shades of Gray
FYI: You can buy wedding cake even if there`s no wedding, those suckers don`t even check
I get very competitive at "All You Can Eat Buffets."
I mean, I don`t even call it a hangover anymore. It`s just morning.