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I BRIEFLY had an urge to clean ... but that lasted only 5 minutes .. whew! That was close! Lol
Ever work out and think "wow I really needed that"? That`s how I feel about the chocolate chip cookie I just ate.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
At least men and women agree on one thing, they both don’t trust women.
Statistics say that 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. Does that mean that 1 enjoys it?
Guys i did not copy or edit this status of mine.Please believe this is my own idea!
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
I wonder what Facebook employees do at work to waste time.
Anyone want to be fake engaged for two hours so we can eat cake samples?
I wish Monday was a figment of my imagination.
Bored? Text "Our condom broke." to a random number
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it`s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can`t really touch anything.
I use my imagination to solve problems. And by imagination, I mean booze.
According to my childhood, 1 out of 3 pigs are excellent builders.