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I always keep a google search for "how to find anyone, anywhere, and kill them" open on my phone in case anyone steals it.
Two interesting facts for you: 1) Some pine cones look like poop. 2) I`m never kicking anything wearing flip flops again.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who`s sick of her bullsh!t.
If McDonald`s was smart they`d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Sarcasm and orgasm. Two things most people don`t get. Those who do are smiling right now.
Why can’t they make the whole week out of Saturdays?
Writing "Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???" on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
The mind is like a parachute .... It doesn`t work if it isn`t open.
Ahhh, the 4th of July. The day where trips to hospital start with the words "Hold my beer and watch this!"
My house has really let itself go.
Today`s brilliant idea: Slim Fast beer.
Take Note: a stress ball can be used for throwing at people who stress you out.. You`re Welcome..
I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything? Well...my phone number for a start
For the life of me, I can’t understand why small and medium pizzas exist.
You know it`s cold outside... when you step on dog poop and roll your ankle