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My girlfriend is half my size but takes up three quarters of the bed. If my math is correct, she’s a b!tch
If you raise your children, you spoil your grandkids. If you spoil your children, you raise your grandkids.
My boss just asked me why I wasn`t working.. ..i told em cuz I didn`t see him coming
I was getting really depressed today but then I realized double cheeseburgers exist
The only thing worse than a male chauvinistic pig is a woman that won’t do as she is told
Don`t ask me stupid questions and I won`t hurt your stupid feelings.
Joggers always give each other a little nod when they pass, just like fat guys in a buffet line.
Why do hospitals need to advertise? It`s not like I`m going to go to Home Depot instead.
You can call someone who makes prosthetics a professional body builder
Preheating an oven requires too much commitment.
My life is a constant battle of preventing my muffin top from becoming a pound cake.
facebook is the only book we read everyday.
Those beards make the Red Sox look like they`re going to a Civil War reenactment as Confederates.
Illiterate? Well then sign up today for free online reading classes!
when in Rome get naked ;)