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My dad said if I don`t get of facebook in 3 seconds he would jab my face into the keyboahajsirksjapquebxm
Urgh..I just dropped my phone, are you guys alright?
There is no such thing as a dirty mind. Just a sense of humor with adult content.
I want to be something scary for Halloween so I am going as a positive pregnancy test......
Some people have goals of conquering the world! My goal is to sleep through the night without having to get up and pee!
Until they get this spell-check problem with the iPhone fixed, it would be best not to text your wife and tell her she is looking fit.
Sometimes not being in control is the most awesome feeling in the world.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
The only thing I hate worse than holding a girl`s purse is when it doesn`t match what I`m wearing.
My only trick for looking younger, is when an 80`s song comes on I try to look completely confused and slightly disgusted.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
I bet the YMCA dance is alot harder to do in Chinese.
If they gave out awards for laziness, I would have to send somebody to accept it for me.
Nothing good ever came from drinking things that are on fire.
I never think twice about helping others.In fact, I never think once about it.