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Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.” If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
The best thing about not being with you, is not being with you.
Just saw a cop pull over a U-Haul truck. I think he is trying to bust a move.
I don`t remember anything that happened, but I may have had a drink or two...
I am starting to think I will never be old enough to know better.
I don`t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense ... Like a Bear at mile 3
You know it’s going to be a bad day when your horoscope starts with… “Are you sitting down?”
11th Commandment: Thou shall not gossip about other people’s lives when you are not doing any better yourself.
My wife’s cooking brings a whole new meaning to.. eat sh!t and die.
I named my dog "5 Miles" so I can tell people, "I walk 5 Miles every day"
Those raccoons must of had one heck of a party last night!!!! That`s the 4th one I`ve seen passed out on this road
There is a special place in Hell for people who stop at yellow lights.
Why do they call it "Jew-ish"? Are they not Jew enough?
If your friends don’t make fun of you, they’re not your true friends.
A lot of woman turn into good drivers. So if you`re a good driver, beware of women drivers when their making a turn.