Daily Silly Status

Women can walk around all day long in a bikini, but God forbid if you see them in their bras and panties. I will never comprehend this.

If you have to ask if it`s too early to drink wine...You`re an amateur and we can`t be friends.

Divorce is expensive because its worth it.

I`m not ignoring you, I am simply giving you time to reflect on what an idiot you are being.

I quit my job at the helium factory today. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.

I like my women how I like my straws …. Bendy and full of liquor.

I couldn’t believe it yesterday, when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5-year-old son wasn’t actually mine. She says that I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school…

Today, I`m really gonna give it my nothing

Humpty Dumpty was pushed I tell ya. PUSHED!!!!!!

Every time I lose some weight, I find it again in the refrigerator.

I`m disgusted by the thought of people updating their status while sitting on the toilet like I am right now.

Don`t talk about yourself so much... we`ll do that when you leave.

The worst form of Alzheimer’s is when you walk out of the kitchen and forget to grab a beer.

I try not to limit my madness to March.

I like to track people down, knock on their front door and say "we have ten people in common on Facebook, can I come in ?"