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Running on two hours of sleep I’m either way too happy or violently homicidal.
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance…the five stages of me hitting the snooze button in the morning
Days are short in December but spending them with family really stretches them out.
Sorry, I can`t hangout. My uncle`s cousin`s sister in law`s best friend`s insurance agent`s roommate`s pet goldfish drowned. It was tragic.
The doctors say im going to be ok. I must warn you the dyson ball cleaner has a very misleading name.
A fun thing to do is comment "that ain`t the girl you were with at the bar the other night" on all my married friends Facebook family photos
If pi is 3.14, then I think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
I wish my bladder had a snooze button.
The key to my heart is shaped like a bottle opener.
Would it be wrong to ask a one-eyed person if it really was "all fun and games" up to that point?
I read that taking a long, hot bath can help with managing stress. Unfortunately my boss doesn`t approve.
When someone calls you a bitch just say a bitch is a dog, a dog barks, bark is on trees, trees are nature and nature is beautiful. thanks for the compliment ;)
Every family has a plastic bag full of plastic bags.
Pizza will never tell you you`re fat unless you`re high as sh!t, then pizza is probably suggesting you fight an aardvark to lose weight.
Insanity workout? The fact I am even considering putting down my phone and getting off the couch is crazy enough, thanks.