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I don’t care what the expiration date says, I have to smell it.
Don`t ask me for advice, my answer is always get them drunk.
Friends are like boobs... Some are real some are fake.
Mrs Bieber.... WHY U NO USE CONDOM?
When I think of you I touch myself ... On my temples ... You give me a migraine.
Maybe Mondays are not that bad. Maybe its your job that sucks balls.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like ten so you can choose.
I have a moderate amount of skills in life, but one of those things does NOT include the ability to stop eating.
There`s no way to gracefully remove a jacket while wearing a seatbelt...
So far, I`ve had exactly "call my ex" number of beers tonight!!!
The only thing I`ve learned from my mistakes is that I make a whole bunch of them
I would really like to help you move your furniture tomorrow, but I’m going to be too busy sitting on mine.
come on people driving is just like coloring, just stay inside the lines.
I like it when everyone posts on Facebook what they are cooking for diner...it makes my decision on who to drop in on so much easier.
“I’m going to be a little bit late” -people that are going to be very late