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Honesty is the best policy, but insanity makes for a better legal defense.
If anyone tells you that you drink to much on the weekends. Stop talking to them...you don`t need that kind of negativity in your life
If every social website was set up to look like a spreadsheet, pretending to work would be so much easier for me.
Apparently "I`ll break your god damn legs" isn`t the problem solving skills that employers are looking for, at least according to HR anyway.
"Open Mike Night" sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I`d been invited to an autopsy.
All my biological clock does, is let me know when it`s time to eat again
I have a life outside of internet, it involves charging my phone.
Anybody know where the cheapest place to buy 12 red roses is?.....just asking for a friend.
I do not argue, I explain why I’m right.
I`ve been on a diet for 2 weeks and all I`ve lost is 14 days.
Once you have to start paying a babysitter every time you go out, you realize most friendships aren`t worth it.
thumbs up if you pee on the side of the toilet to make it quiet.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a sexy beast.
So it turns out being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
I wonder if my neighbors are more tired of hearing my dog bark or me screaming at it to shut the f*ck up.