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That awkward moment when you get in the van... And there`s no candy.
Of course I’ll buy a polished rock made into a necklace. I’m on vacation, aren’t I?
We can`t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Life is like toilet paper....either you`re on a roll....or you`re taking sh*t from some asshole
Do not keep all your work for tomorrow, always remember you can also do it the day after tomorrow.. Be lazy, Think crazy.
A bachelor party is a lot more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
Just got legitimately excited when I remembered I can pay a person to drive a pizza to my house
Facebook becomes 100 times more entertaining when you have work to do.
Admit it, you`ve answered Dora at least once in your life.
Okay, enough procrastination. Time for excuses.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
I give up on life! I have better luck playing Monopoly...or Clue...
Women should run the world. That will give men more time to drink beer and watch sports.