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I see the Seven Deadly Sins as more of a To-Do list.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn`t attend.
I think the spork would have caught on better if they called it "a forkin` spoon!"
If you`ve never put fake blood capsules in your mouth before going to the dentist you are too mature to be my friend.
Step 1: Remove food from packaging. Step 2: Throw out packaging Step. 3: Dig packaging out of trash to locate cook time, Repeat steps 2 & 3 as necessary
Pro tip: when you`re watching a show like "my five wives" with your wife, don`t suggest potential additional wives.
If your phone doesn´t ring it´s me.
Why is it that flies can get in your car so easy, but can`t figure out how to escape with all the windows down.
Why can`t Miss Piggy count to 100? Cuz` when she gets to 69, she gets a frog in her throat!
Leftover bacon? Lol that’s up there with unicorns, leprechauns, and soulmates.
The key to my heart is shaped like a bottle opener.
Recent survey asked people in the U.S if there are too many immigrants: 17% said yes, 83% said Lo siento, no hablan Inglés
Don`t Follow Me, I`m Lost Too
Kids today will never appreciate how difficult it used to be finding pictures of naked people.