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Besides creating dinosaurs are mosquitos good for anything?
Fun things to do in Walmart: Take the ``try me`` stickers off of the toys & place them on condom boxes.
FACT: If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation.
Life is not like a box of chocolates. Its more like a jar of jalapeños, what you do today can burn your a$$ tomorrow
Not to brag but when I push it, I push it real good.
You know you`re getting old when one huge fart throws out your back.
Sometimes I like to hold the door for people who are far away so they feel obligated to run just a little. ;)
Today is National I Don`t Feel Like Doing Sh!t Day. Celebrate accordingly.
Sex, drugs, and candy crush all have one thing in common. It’s only an addiction if you start paying for it.
As i walk thru the valley of the shadow of death i was like what da f**k am i doin here
Basically the whole point of Facebook is so you can see if you’re prettier than your ex’s new girlfriend.
Sometimes words are not enough. That`s why I always like to keep a baseball bat with me, just in case...
I`m the type of person who will throw away the manual and ponder for 3 hours "where the hell do I start"
"That`s too much bacon." -Nobody ever
I`ve been around the block a few times.....but only because I was too drunk to find my house.