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Dear food, Either stop being so delicious or stop making me fat.
For all the taxes they take out of my paycheck they should at least send me a picture of the broke ass family I support to hang on my fridge.
Don`t you just hate it when people say stuff in thier status that you really didn`t want to know? I hate that. Anyway, I gotta go poop. Talk to ya later.
I know it`s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you`re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
I choked on a carrot this afternoon and all I could think was "I bet a cupcake wouldn`t have done this to me."
Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain beard 3.) prisoner of war beard 4.) homeless person beard 5.) wizard beard
Exercise makes you look better naked. Alcohol does the same, you pick..
I wouldn`t be surprised if my kids think the phrase "goddamn douchebag" means someone who pulls out in front of your car without signaling.
A leaf blower, but for people.
Next time you see someone you don`t like, begin conversation with "I see the assassins have failed."
Don`t play dumb with me. That`s a game you can`t win.
I put the hot in psychotic.
I love Christmas presents wrapped in bubble wrap... it`s like two gifts in one!!
That akward moment you try and deep throat a banana and get caught ... and your a dude.
What idiot called him Alexander Graham Bell instead of Lord of the Rings