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I helped my girlfriend with the dinner last night. I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
I hate it when people need constant re-assurance. You know what I mean?
I failed the emergency broadcast test. My apologies to all the employees I shoved to the ground while screaming
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can hear them misspelling words?
If cats could talk, they`d probably always be correcting your grammar.
Whenever I tell the cashier to ‘keep the change`, it takes everything in my power not to call them a filthy animal.
The trouble with living alone is that it`s always my turn to do dishes.
It`s impossible to bring up life insurance with your spouse without it seeming like you plan to have them whacked.
When I die, I am going to haunt the f*ck out of you people.
I bet giraffes don`t even know what farts smell like.
Never laugh at your wife`s choices. You are one of them :)
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking. Or help them move.
United Airlines was just voted number one in Chinese takeout!
"Are u going to the circus?" is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife`s question: "how does my make-up look?"
I felt really mischievous earlier so I bought a McDonalds and ate it at a KFC