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Be friend with stupid people.., feel like genius all the time
Lightning bugs use their blinkers more than most drivers.
Party like you will never be invited to another!
Girls are like roads, the more curves, the more dangerous they are.
Be good to your nieces and nephews. One day you`ll need them to smuggle alcohol into your nursing home.
“Delete, Block, Ignore” Its too bad getting rid of people in life is not as easy as it is on Facebook..
My apartment is so dirty that I actually lost my last girlfriend to the 5 second rule.
A man made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind ... And now, we wait...
IRS: We`ve got what it takes to take what you`ve got.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: "None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare."
The difference between cheating on your wife and cheating on your taxes is if you tell the truth, the IRS still wants to f*ck you.
You know you`re married when you find her sexier with clothes on.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Liquid sanity: I call it alcohol..!!
Sign in a grocery store: Take lettuce from top of stack, or heads will roll!