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A person who says they will never lie to you is probably lying already.
Summer vacation: Where you drink triple, see double and act single.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Please rephrase your question in the form of a compliment.
When your wife or girlfriend asks,"Do I look fat?" the ONLY correct response is, "Do I look stupid?
Perverts can contribute to society. Look at the disturbed individual who discovered cow`s milk.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
My number one rule to live by is: Don’t die.
This sushi restaurant has the worst service. "Sir, this is an aquarium"
I don`t get why people find drunk text annoying
If anyone is interested, I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 1:00 PM until I’m escorted out by security.
Arguing over a girl`s bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Coors or Budweiser -- Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
When someone yells stop, I don`t know if it`s in the name of love, it`s hammer time, or if I should collaborate and listen.
Not to get technical, but according to chemistry, alcohol is a solution.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancee by the way he hasn`t murdered her