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If I had a time machine, I’d probably just use it so I wouldn’t have to throw out so many bananas.
I`m "oh my god, gag me with a spoon" years old.
When someone asks if you lost weight, the correct response is always, "no, it just seems like it to you because you got fatter."
I`m not lazy, I`m in energy saving mode.
I think most of my friends hang out with me to see what I’ll say next.
Pretty proud of myself, I got a lot of procrastinating done today
I’m amazing in bed. I have the ability to stay there all day.
Definition of insanity - Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results
You haven`t truly made it on YouTube until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Remember before the internet when all the people at the video store knew you watched porn alone on Saturday mornings
Where have you been all my life? Can you go back there?
Keep it down kids!.. Daddy is trying to think of something stupid to say on the internet.
Asking me if I’m hungry, is like asking me if I like money.
People will believe anything if you whisper it.
The text message is the new greeting card, but without any hope that there will be money inside.