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We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
I`m pretty sure my guardian angel just sits there watching me suffer, while rolling her eyes and painting her nails.
You never know a person until you walk in their shoes... or until you check their browser history.
What is it about a car that makes people think we can’t see them pick their nose?
When I`m sad, I sing...Then I realise my voice is worse than my problems.
Change is hard. Seriously, have you ever bit a nickel?
Going to one of those places where you chop down your own Christmas tree, and then try to get away before they catch you.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they`re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea… I just suck at fishing.
When I see a cute couple making out I yell, ” I knew you’re seeing somebody else!” and run crying.
Confucius would have been great at Status Updates......
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Sometimes you run into people who just make your day more bearable. Those people are called bartenders.
Someone stole my identity and returned it 10 minutes later.
I can`t wait to miss the upcoming season of American Idol.