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I don`t know how the law of averages works, but you`d think after 25yrs of marriage I`d be right at least once
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn`t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Woke up this morning with a HUGE smile on my face....damn kids and thier sharpies.
Let me be honest, I dont even walk a mile in my own shoes.
When you realize that your car matches the one in the Amber Alert.
Talk to me long enough and you`ll realize why I`m single.
My wife asked about my wildest sex fantasy, but she got pissed when I told her. I probably shouldn’t have started w/ “After your funeral...”
The only difference between Black Friday and a zombie apocalypse is that zombies don`t care if you get the last iPad Mini.
I like to stand 20 ft in front of the Walmart greeter and greet people before he gets a chance.
I have company coming, does a spork go on the right or left side?
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
FYI: Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long, if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Im just waiting for the day for Ashton Kutcher to go to Charlie Sheen and say "its stilll your show. YOU JUST BEEN PUNK`D!"
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.