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I`m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear….. I’m just fat.
"Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend--STOP SCREAMING, I`M ASKING THEM"
It is amazing how a nice pair of boobs can hide serious flaws and signs of mental illness until after you marry them!
That Awkward Moment when you Greet you Brother on some random website. Brett to Daniel. sup Lerch!
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
Getting over body issues is a like getting over a fear of heights. The trick is not to look down.
If people rode their spouses like they did their brakes the divorce rate would drop drastically.
Mondays are middle finger approved
A naughty thought is a terrible thing to waste
What if your soulmate is over there on Twitter while you`re here on Facebook?
I don`t care about Disney lying about the Prince Charmings out there. I`m more annoyed that random woodland creatures won`t clean my house.
Nothing tells your friends you`ve made it in life quite like owning a 4 slice toaster.
I hate when someone asks me where I see myself 5 years from now when I don`t even remember where the hell I was 2 days ago.
Of course women have cleaner minds than men. They change them so damn often.