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I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine`s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
I swear my cat was an alarm clock in a previous life...
Last night my wife said to me, “What would you do without me?” Apparently, “Your sister” was the wrong answer.
I’m giving co-workers the silent treatment by sending them blank emails.
Just found a shopping list in this cart that said, "Beer, wine, crap like that", so apparently my soulmate is still out there.
My wife is complaining that I never buy her jewelry. In my defense, I didn`t even know she sold jewelry.
Some young men are like bottles of wine. They need to be tended to carefully & given time to mature; which is why I keep a few in my cellar.
I hope when the machines take over the world they start by fixing my cable.
Last person to like this wins a prize.
Since my ear surgery I haven`t heard from my doctor. Not sure if that`s a good thing or not.
I`m so hungry I could eat without looking down at my phone.
How strange, some guy just waved half of a peace sign at me...
I could totally handle twins, triplets even quadruplets. Hold it, you`re talking about BABIES?
Don’t compare yourself to others, that’s when you start to lose confidence in yourself.
My buddy told me he was going to Beerfest this weekend, I asked him where, he said "any bar I walk into!!!"