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Your family tree has a couple of coconuts
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they`re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Gravity is a real downer.
Of all the grotesque sounds coming from the bathroom stall next to me, the camera click was the most disturbing!!
I couldn’t believe it yesterday, when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5-year-old son wasn’t actually mine. She says that I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school…
I miss newspapers. It`s weird hitting a dog on the nose with an iPad.
Silence is golden but duct tape is silver.
It’s only a matter of time until “Security Cameras of Wal-Mart” is a reality TV show.
Q.Teacher: why do we drink water? A. Learner : Because we cant eat it!
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
The leading cause of divorce ? ... marriage
I’m not a “stalker”. I want to make sure you’re okay at all times. You can look at me as an unpaid bodyguard.
I`d be much more attracted to you if you were much more attractive.
My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I`m at the gym or if I`m at Wal-Mart or at Taco Bell.
Facebook is like a nude beach. Everybody lets everything hang out, and you really don`t want to see a lot of it...