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There`s nothing as wonderful as waking up in the morning next to a gorgeous smiling face. So I keep a mirror next to my bed.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for "hardcore poem"?
I prefer my kale with a silent "K"
Somewhere, right this minute, someone is reading this sentence.
I spend more time looking in the fridge than I actually do eating.
Presidents’ Day is just another made up holiday to sell more presidents
If you go for a jog and you don`t post it on Facebook, have you really jogged?
I never thought you could really guess too low whenever a woman asks you her age. I guess 6 was pushing it.
If I were to quit my job today and become a psychic, I would advertise with a sign that reads, “Voted best psychic of 2016!"
I`d get lost less frequently if GPS would say "no, your other left."
I`d save a lot more money on car insurance if they quit spending billions on advertising.
Beer never asks me if I think another beer is prettier than it.
Being unsure has never stopped me from making a decision.
A female mantis kills the male after sex. That used to seem cruel, but now that I’m married with kids I think the male mantis gets off easy.
Sorry, Sarcasm falls out of my mouth, like stupidity falls out of yours