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What a terrible day. I`m going to drive through puddles & splash pedestrians to make myself feel better,
Money may not buy you happiness, but it does buy you all the sh1t you want!
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
I am not the same person at 8am and 8pm.
All my bills say "outstanding", I guess that means I`m good to go!
I always advise people never to give advice.
Happiness is using an ATM and finding a receipt left by someone with an account balance lower than yours.
The "best part of waking up" doesn`t even make sense.
How long does it take possums to realize when one of them is actually dead?
is in his own little world but it´s okay they know me here.
When I`m older, I`m going to buy one of those Volkswagen Bugs. Only because I have a excuse to hit my wife every time we go somewhere.
I remember 2012 like it was yesterday.
"We`d be rich if you just said one f*cking word" - me, drunk, talking to my dog
There’s gotta be a better use for the part of my brain that remembers every word to “Baby Got Back.”
Words and phrases I hope do not appear in my obituary: "Skeletal remains", "Dumpster", "Beyond recognition", "Decapitated", "Dental records", "Shallow grave", "Strewn", and "Suicide by Cop."