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The only time I use the word “selfie” is when I am describing my sex life.
“Until death do us part” means we’re all single in heaven, right?
When someone ask me... How are you?... I answer back... You mean in bed?
I was addicted to the Hokey Pokey but I turned myself around.
My neck, my back, my Netflix and my snacks.
My doctor says each piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off your life... If my math is right, I should`ve died in 1781...
I think you and I both know that you`re not facebook friends with me for the funny statuses.
I can almost always tell when dinosaurs in movies aren’t real.
That very akward moment when Shakirah`s hips lie!
The older I get the more use I have for the phrase "bite me."
If you`re not employed by the Secret Service, there is absolutely no reason to have a Bluetooth on your ear.
I hate it when TV shows say they contain "adult situations" but then don`t show anyone going to work, paying their bills or cleaning up their kid`s vomit.
First thing I do when I realize I’m lost…turn the radio down.
I just made an emergency survival kit. You know, for emergencies. It looks like all my other kits, but don`t be fooled; this one is red and has more liquor.
Try this... When leaving a fancy restaurant tell the people coming in "I recommend you try the donkey, snail or the squirrel".