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Hey Samsung and Apple, no need for commercials. We’ve all chosen sides.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I`m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
There’s too much blood in my caffeine system
Those awkward moments when you catch yourself feeling frustrated with your kids for being just like you....
A night of insomnia is usually followed by a morning of browser history clearing
So if your invited to someone`s 4th marriage is it wrong to give them a gift certificate to a good divorce attorney?
Instead of having a child, I intend to spend my life acting like one.
I`d like to read an obituary that says "He laid down the boogie and played that funky music till he died."
I don`t know why I think I could survive the Zombie Apocalypse, I cant even handle the puff of air at the eye doctor.
God is testing me today, but I don`t think he realizes I`m a `C` student.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there`s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
You know its Monday when your left eye wont open and your right eye is twitching.
A worm is a pretty disappointing prize for getting up early if you ask me.
You`re one of a kind! Thank goodness...